Friday today

gotta complete the appraisals stuffs by end of today, ARGH.

anyway, van is on leave for these two days as he went for a surgery n is on MC. nuthin much. keep sms me tat he feel sian dunno wat to do to help him anyway.

anyway im meeting up wid fhm tonite again, most prob a movie or wat. dun feel excited or wat leh how? i think he is gg to be touchy again tonite for sure. Should i stop him doing tat to stop giving him the wrong ideas? im confused again. vic is gg to MU tonite askin me if to join , sigh dun wan to waste $$$ leh rather buy that Nike shoe i fancied heheh

anyway if there is nuthin to do tomorrow evening i might as well come back to office. Just received notice to do up another project plan! argh.

So Sian.

 
just had a mornin meeting! feel good to be 'involved'. Must become workaholic again hahah enjoy it!

din go out wid Van last nite leh. shucks wasted since i put on a sexy white top. but was on phone wid him in the evening..... hmmh, he told me he has asked tat ger he fancied to be his gf and guess wat ? She kind of rejected him . Damn i was sooo happy when i hear tat hahah (Opps im remorse about my attitude). said he is gg to 'give up' on her. But actually how could he likes another ger n kiss me at the same time? Darn it! ok i know wat u all tryin to tell me..... its just Lust rite. yeah its mutual feeling.

Anyway, we chatted again last nite when i got home ard 1 pm. He is on leave todae for a surgery to extract his wisdom tooth/teeth. So i guess i wun be seein him today either..... but anyway i not very free got to check out carrefour for the PC table, plus still thinkin of getting that weaven shoe i saw in Hereeen.

Heh was at a meeting just now leh there is this ITG guy this side view looks so much like Van HAHAH i was giggling whenever i think of it ( in the meeting) :P

nuthin much for now i guess.. so zappin off.

PS bgt salad for lunch, darn scare at 2 pm i get hungry again for sure!

 

Juz finish lunch! had a light one of chee chong fun n a char siew bao yummy ( though im hiding the 'fat' on munching on a LOAF of banana walnut bread. found the nice way to eat it is to slow nibble it instead of my usual gobbling down of food heheh.

resolution #2 : STOP GOBBLING MY FOOD N START NIBBLING
(#1 being learning html)

caught fhm online just now. fixed to meet on fri evening. a bit scare though, will we get overboard?!
he was like askin me Qns about ..... Have u use a dildo before? dunno how to answer leh.
In fact the only thing i ever inserted is a tampon.

but have decided for a movie on Fri......hope things dun get overheated. i realyy wan a serious relationship but i got a feeling chances r slim between us.

or mabbe im just paranoid... All guys are, in fact ... just horny once in a while. well..... im horny too so tat makes me a Horny Virgin hahahah

Van called juz now after i kidd about seein some S&M stuffs in his locker (thks to fhm now its all in my mind) hahah ..... hmmh how come i feel more comfy toking to van on this kind of stuffs ?

Saw from Woman's world (pg 58) there is indeed some 'Essence' that prevents darkening of skin ard ....erm, femal private area n oso like the armpit......hmmmh its call Happilala! so in fact i read off from a comment off some forum there is indeed such stuffs! gonna get it ...... at Beauty Image @ wheelock. shucks, was juz there last Fri.

 
wow, this is really like start of a new work day for me. For once, i am concenrating on Work in the morning. Feels Good to feel important again. Going to buck up n impress!

 
i think i messed my own arse by assuming to do the test plans for the L proj since i tot i will be 'free' enuff to pick it up now.

A moment ago my new manager send me two emails full of attachments ( comes to like 50 printed pages) and
quoting her: Could you please help to look thru the high level assessment, the o/s estimates required will be interface from system X to platform alpha (names are masked to protect the innocent systems). I need your help to compile the estimates after the team has analysed the changes. This meeting is to discuss what is required for the interface

HA HA HA (wid tears in my eyes). So F up i can screw anyone now.

 
Just finished lunch .. yeah yeah i know im suppose to go on a fruit diet. so i wanted to drop by Hans to get a sandwich but landed up in Lau Pa Sat - ok lor had soup yong duo fu just light items.

Felt so frustrated about the new workflow / work process since the re-org. No meetings with the manager or clarification. I'm really feelin so Fed up now.

Bastards!

thinkin y Van not calling now during lunch. Heck, i din wan to tok to him anyway!

 
Tryin to get my humble blog published on sg!blog ..... my little wish.

must learn more on html publishing...
must learn more on html publishing...
must learn more on html publishing...

did i told u guys i decided to go light on food today? bgt pineapples n papayas for breakfast to start off......then my colleague came ard and pass me a home-made blueberry muffin.... hmmh not enuff blueberry but smelt of heavenly butter mmmh....... OPPS. nvm, wil still survive on fruits on for lunch, then get some sandwich / horlicks before i go for pump tonite.

MUST GO BACK TO WORK NOW! now where is my enhc listing template?

 
Damn it! its Monday ! ARGH! tsk tsk!

i put on my fav pants this mornin n GOSH it feels tight, rite fr the waist down to the thighs ..! ok, i may hv binge a little over the dull weekend ( thks to Van) but this wat i have ONLY: 1 banana muffin, 1 char siew bun, 2 deep fried drumsticks ( after feelin depressed tokin to Van), 2 JD coke or rather JD-pepsi twist, one chix veg bread on Sat; 1 mushroom mushi pastry, 1 banana CAKE, 1 deep fried spring chix complete wid fries n fried bun, 1 nonya dumpling, 1 bowl of udon wid miso soup n an egg, 1/2 a cheese cake, more coke... than i decided to go zzz.......... mabbe its friday meal too complete with a Sakae Sushi buffet ( sorrie Kris) and supper of rice n muschroomm stuffs.
PS: all bread/cakes compliment of Breadtok .... Thanks man for making bread so irresistible .... or shd i say, DAMN it man.

ARGH luckily i pull off like 5 g of saturated fat on the chixz or mabbe more, but a lot still goes into my body. mabbe becoz of the medication i am on tat makes me eat like a MAN! hahah so God pls make the food burn off n converted into breakable chemicals for muscle building just like in a Man.

tokin bout Sat, put on my new sexy white top to gym in hope of a date later tonite. Damn it as usual when u were most prepared nuthin happen. shopped around ( ar! now i remember, i had a whole packet of Marshmellows) and waited...... damn it Van no calls .... decided to go home n was waiting in stn for train when he sms e infamous 'wru' . I was not plannin of some hanki panki stuffs but just wanted to catch Scropion King wid him .... but he ARGH makes me so frustrated. keeps saying he dunno wat he wan to do blah blah even after i say something so obvious "but i miss u leh ( so i wanted to see u badly )" so i got so mad ( after 5 north-bound trains and 5 south-bound trains at Orc stn) i left for home ( thats where the drumsticks come into the pic).

anyway, had a jolly good time feastin the drumsticks, n bones to bobby (My Dog).n then u know wat ? Van called at ard 11 complaining he so sian etc etc . Im gettin sick of all this.

i hang off for a while when he went for supper but he called me back. then he went on rumbling about sex with his ex-gfs and wat kind of gf he is lookin for ( definitely not describin me as one of the type since I chiong! yeah big deal).

the more i know, the more i think he is kind of childish and lookin for love in the wrong places (coz he dun know wat he wants i think). Im quite surprise when i got so sick until i say " wan to sleep , good nite" .... think i jus wanted to get back at him or makin me depressed ( n hence the drumsticks). hahah.

anyway fhm din call or anything. Gosh, im gg to give up on guys. wat the fuckwittage he think he is anyway? tryin to screw me on the second date and good thing i din give in.

Kris comin back tis afternoon, but im gettin used to writin tis online journal oreadi.

ok, im Gettin Back to Work. Im Serious. I wan to work.
Wonder if i can get out of here by end April so tat i need not too do tat appriasal thing hahah........Fat Hope, i just realised its last week of April. Duh.

 
Howdy its me..... been kind of busy for a while in e afternoon, flirting on chat n conf call wid two of my (single) cute male colleagues hahah...... just to let out steam lar ( hope not startin another one). Hello but our initial point is to discuss WORK.

I just took enuff courage to pop the pills ( u c i went to see the doc) .... sigh hope i wun see much side effects.
btw i know y the hell im all fat and flabby feelin coz of the EPO i taken! hmmh but those r good for health so wat the heck.

still thinkin to give pump a miss later, sianz without kris around . further tomorrow is gg for 2 sessions so not tat missed out. wanted to go shoppin esp to Bods to see got new sexy tops or not, the same one tat drives fhm crazy :P.

casually emailed van leh, but he havent reply. dunno if becoz of the stupid server! ARGH!

by the way i havent say much about the search results of the fling thing. well i come across this website of this person talking about it and he was referring to "Meaningless Fling" and "Meaningful Relationship":
Quoting: ... have often said (well I said it once but you must admit 'often' sounds much more convincing) that flings are the 7-11 of relationships. A convenience store where you pop in, get what you need and then are on your merry way home. A meaningless fling is nothing more than pure lust, void of any love, respect or commitment to the individual.
http://www.comedyzine.com/gregg36.html

kinda make sense huh... :P watta lame excuse to have a fling.

 
Power of having Internet at Office ... its acts as an Auntie Agony.
So i was at google.com search for having a fling .... heheh wan to know wats is its definition (nerd)....
come across this test, did it and the results are:

http://www.iamnext.com/quiz/love.html

Personal Sex and Love Quiz

Your Score: 17
10-17 points:
SEXUAL / RELATIONSHIP PHILOSOPHY: RESPECT EACH OTHER
You are confident in yourself, self-controlled and able to live by your moral standards even when your sex drive tells you otherwise. You are not sexually dead… just controlled. You respect yourself first. Your self-worth is found in your character, accomplishments, person and moral beliefs.

You don't rely on the current cultural pressures to determine your views on sexuality and relationships. Your sexual philosophy is based on a foundation of intimacy, trust and mutual respect. You watch other people's relationships and make strong decisions based on what you see. You learn from both the good and poor examples you've seen in your life. This may make it easier for you to look down on others who have different views than yours. Are you trying to understand where they're coming from?

You are a good candidate for a long-lasting, healthy relationship - if you're not already in one.


Quite True. I like this: I admit i hv a HIGH sex drive but im controlled.

HAHAHAH

 
shucks i still adjustin the time setting hope to get it rite this time......

im messin up my life...... its either i am dateless for my whole life ( no , not bf.... neither van or fhm can be considered one, n I am BF-less for my whole life) or i have two flings within one week. this drivin me crazy.

van din called, or sms or anything ... mabbe he too pre-occupied with his m1. sigh .. now u know why i titled this blog .... Lost Emotions. im losin him.

actually im a bit scare of gg out with fhm again, he's too HOT n he seems to be hit on SEX only. im a bit scare he will push for it... im not interested to have it wid him.... i dun know him well enuff.... who knows he might have 101 gfs rite ? he onli tok about gg to my office / home to do it and never says 'his place' - of which he lives alone .... so wat is he afraid of ?

or am i too conservative or wat ? but i still wish to reserve it for someone whom really LOVES me. u just gonna say the L word to make me give in (except Van ? :P) ..... else, i suggest u go find a pro to f''k. Or i can get u a bitch. either way , im out.

HAHAHAH so mean huh.

 

Wow i managed to wash my face, take out my contact lenses, settled for an hr of exciting Alien vs Predator 2 game play before plugging myself off to sleep.....

Is it like as when u get older ( n pple start takin it u r an old-bird, etc WHICH I AM NOT), courtship d.n.e anymore and pple just jumped into sex, or get physcially closed in the first few dates ? Is this normal ??
Flashback : Gosh i never had a decent courtship in my dating history !!!

hmmh, u see, i really did something CRAZY last nite wid fhm. i think he got all of it planned ... he was like putting his hand behind my back when he hv the chance ( yeah i din know i have a sexy BACK), then we went to the old bowling alley for a chat before we headed back to the mrt stn .... this is where he planned it ... the route to the the stn was through the park along a dark Dark deserted path.... n guess wat, he starts to " u pretty warm now huh" and his hands were on my butts n back ... well..... we had a tight hug under the shadows of the trees ( no moon last nite).... so tight gosh, i hv to break free.... we walked a while again n start to dirty look at each other ....

so we end up french kissin n hands on each other.... Gosh, darn it was so HOT... but i dun hv tat kind of feelings....the special tingle etc u know. fhm is not bad lookin by the way, n he got a nice hard bod. i could have f'''k him on the spot ( the place is real deserted) if not tat i AM still a V. :P

its so farnie..... i mean fhm ( n van) never said anythin like I love U , or we were holdin' hands first but then next moment, next date, we are kissing and hands over each other.

I dun know wats is it .... anyone care to enlighten me ? Is it just a fling n its common ? or is it my fault ? R they seein me as a slut and seducing them ? IM CONFUSED.

 
i just send a short email to van askin how he was.....looks like he was pretty pissed off by someone in this office.... hmmh...

anyway im off to meet fhm. shit i still feel flabby and FAT.

 
i know why i am so depressed today, not able to focus, concentrate at work.
Van din called .... i mean he used to call me during lunch time..without fail.

but i din get his calls anymore. i think he is just trying to make his stance, that its over.

SIGH. i still cant let go. i have to. Mabbe i shd do something CRAZY tonite juz to forget the pain for a while.

I wanna cry.

 
I think im gg crazy..... y'day entries title was "Happy" today it is "Sad Day"; i thikn im taking my mood to a roller coaster ride. Tats bad.


sigh, i feel soo flabby and bloated today! Argh.

Actually i feel better lor, after seeing Van y'day... I have some of my doubts answered ( myself) ...

Its important to let u know, that I have GIVEN VAN MY FIRST KISS, AND TAT IS DATED 11 APRIL 2002.

i tot of givin my viginity to him too, but blah. hahah. i go find myself a virgin to give to.

 
well, back in office and i din bother to work the whole bloody morning. So i am late again for work but who heck care? i guess even if i MIA the whole day NO ONE KNOWS!

anyway, back to my dinner with van last nite.... i guess i can see wats gg to be for the both of us. We were just out like casual frens and he keeps mentioning this ger he likes... and they have been out a few times last week. Fine! tats it.

btw, on way back, i asked him if He Really Likes Her... i was so overwhelmed ( by emotions) he din answer but just look at me , and keep asking me y i asked. Gosh Any Bloke Head will know why I ask that stupid , obvious Question!

I dunno, if he is really acting ignorance or wat. Anyway i was pretty sad and was almost choked with tears (inside me) i couldnt think of a sensible answer. Damn it i should just say WELL IM CONCERN AND IM CONFUSED SO WAT ON EARTH DO U TAKE ME AS?

as far, i said i aint wan to give myself false hopes anymore, so TATS it. He still a fren and I will treate watever happen as merely a FLING. hey tats was wat i tot of in the first place too.
But somehow i was always praying something more can happen... Guess it wun again.