I hope this is the last time Im am updating this, no , Im sure it will be the last.
En just send me a msg for meet up - Told him that I am not seeing him again.

The End.

 
Room 220

So i did meet up with En during lunch today. There was no special moments and the first round, he came on very strong and cummed within minutes. I cant blame him, it must be the anticipation and I was very eager and slutty. As he entered the room i turned him round and we frenched for a short while, took off our clothes, more kissing, and a bit good old sucking - he was getting hard. I like it when he want me to lie back with my legs spread , as he put on the cap, and insert his manhood into me. It was all pain - only after a while did I ease off, but before I can enjoy the sex he cummed.


As I relished his touch, my body is overcome with pain, both physcially and within.
I am not sure if I am afraid to lose him, and I know I should not even think of it this way. Somehow , I feel the excitement has waned off from him, as it was tough to arouse him second round . Strangely, he tried to doggy me without a cap - understand what is heck-care now.

Last as he fucked me from behind, it feels good again, and it ripples through my body .


But I got my cuddles and good bye kisses, he was rather tender to me. However, I was feeling so upset when we have to go, that it was showing so clearly on my face - probably it was the fear of there will not be a next time - somehow the 'freshness' just seems not there anymore, for him.


As we ended our session, strangely he decided not to hv lunch together and drop me off alone. I just wanted more time with him though, I think. No maybe not, I have no idea what I really really want, from him.

I should just enjoy the good times, while it last. and Good times usually dun last :(

 
It has been a while, in fact, I am almost counting, everyday, for 3 months how long I have not been entering the blogs. A lot of thoughts, mainly negative have been accumulated since, April, on my life. Perhaps, as I put it to a friend, that it is the middle of the year and nevertheless a reflection time of how one have fared, and I have fared terribly. I guess the only consolation is that I have a place now, I can call my own. That is really something so unexpected , so unplanned that happened.

What I want is not right, and whats right is always not easy.

For these 3 months, I have been weighed down a lot by these negative attitude towards my relationship with En. I hestiated as I put down the words "relationship" - Is there any per se?

I found myself denying myself as I put on a front of being 'correct'. It is correct to end this relationship, but is this what I want ? Ever since I decided to let go , I was never happy. I know he will be someone I can never have for good, but to choose not to be with him is not possible. My heart collapsed and that kind of feeling when I saw him - and that I will not be seeing him any more, is torturing.

He send me a message asking me how I was doing - 2 days after he returned from work, but no question his objective is to get me out - but I was still trying - to deny him, and myself , and so were on Saturday night when he send me a "Miss u " message.

Last Thurs, I almost run into him in T2 lobby, and I pretend to look away - and I feel really overwhelmed. I know I failed, completely flopped the temptation. I just got to see him again.

I dunno if I am going to go through the emotional roller coaster again . I think I will, and it will be worst when he decided to call it a day. But at least then, I do not have a choice. It is not within my control, and perhaps, it is easier to let go then, hopefully.

Im seeing him tomorrow. Im totally gone.

 
It has been quite a week, I must say. Actually put off meeting En on 9 May. Felt so terrible bout it, I need it, it being .. I do not exactly know what it is.
I have been through a very indecisive week thinkin about what to do with him.

I feel the pressure for getting it all right, and it is overwhelming. Is there really nothing else I can do about, but just to do what I can - wait ?

found out some time back that he will be going on a SUPER long leave of 1 month. If i do not see him for the early next two days ( then its the menses) , I will not see him for 3 months , which will have jolly well end the relationship - or perhaps this is it ? The pivotal point of what will happen?

Have also been very BIG mouth and sort of told Rogz about what is going on - I think im crazy to tell him - how much can i trust him really ? I felt like a complete idiot now. Still havent decide what to do next , I really need him and should I call him tomorrow ?

 
I must be really lost on what to do, since I took a Tarot reading today on www.ivenus.com:

The Significator - Two of Swords

General meaning
You may also feel you have reached an impasse and not know which way you should go. You are torn by indecision; you are unsure whether or not you are ready to face certain issues that need to be faced.

Relationship meaning
Suggests that you are uncertain about a relationship or relationship situation and do not know how to deal with it. It can also indicate that there is no love in your relationship, yet you fear facing up to the problems within this situation.

Negative meaning
There is no point procrastinating; you know that certain issues need to be sorted out so that you can move forward.

This explains exactly what I am now, at a crossroad to decide, not what is right or wrong, but unsure which one to choose.

The Covering Card - Nine of Wands
General meaning
The Nine of Wands suggests that now is a time to hold back or wait to consider and balance up the odds. You need to be careful as you proceed forward; it's time to think carefully before making your next move.

Relationship meaning
The Nine of Wands in a relationship spread suggests that this relationship has come up against some difficulties. However, these difficulties can be overcome if both partners are prepared to make a joint effort.

Negative meaning
You are very frightened of things happening beyond your control; or that you will not adapt to changing circumstances.

Maybe, indeed I should not make the first move.

The Base Card - King of Pentacles

General meaning
This card represents an individual who combines knowledge and practicality to achieve his objectives. He is a builder and manager, a person who has achieved success through practical effort. The King is intelligent and enjoys earning money.

Relationship meaning
Relationship meaning The King of Pentacles can be kind and generous. He looks to his relationship for the warmth and fulfilment that is lacking in his daily business life. He is practical and cautious with money, generous with his time and advice, which will be well founded and good to follow.

Negative meaning
The King reversed suggests someone who may take risks with money without weighing up the consequences or who tends to be inconsistent in his approach to dealing with money and may be dishonest.

The Crown

General meaning
This card augurs a time of financial troubles, poverty and loneliness. It can indicate the loss of a job, or loss of money, which may or may not have serious consequences. It can also indicate loneliness in a relationship.

Relationship meaning
Relationship meaning This card suggests a relationship that is bound or restricted by financial problems. In the reversed position, it can indicate that you are overcoming financial problems, and beginning to make new plans for the future. A new job makes your financial situation more secure .

Negative meaning
Indicates the beginning of a period of bad luck where money is concerned, but this time of bad luck could be a turning point, when all aspects of your life begin to improve.

The Past Influence - Eight of Cups
General meaning
You may feel like abandoning a relationship, or taking a complete change of direction in your career. You feel that you are not on the right path and there is no point in trying to continue in that direction. It's time to choose a new direction.

Relationship meaning
You may have unrealistic expectations of your partner or relationship, perhaps a sense of fantasy or illusion. It may be that this relationship exists entirely in the mind and imagination.

Negative meaning
There is a loss of direction and you have no sense of which path to take next. You are reluctant to leave a situation or relationship, even though you know that there is nothing left there for you.

The Challenge/ Obstacle - Queen of Swords
General meaning
The Queen of Swords represents a woman who is rational and logical with a well-functioning mind. This person has definite ideas as to how thing should be done; she is shrewd and mentally agile. She has a careful approach to relationships and will be attracted by mental agility rather than looks.

Relationship meaning
In a relationship, this Queen is a mentally strong partner and seeks out her partners not for love or looks, but for the own mental agility. She will not suffer fools gladly. This woman has the ability to hide the emotional side of her nature - often to the point of showing no emotion to any situation.

Negative meaning
She likes to stir up trouble and tends to be cold-hearted, shrewd and very manipulative. However, you are not always likely to suspect this person of causing trouble.

Hopes & fears - Death
General meaning
Represents the end of an era or phase in your life. It DOES NOT indicate physical death. It is time to mourn your losses, be happy with your memories, and allow yourself to move forward in peace. Change is often a blessing in disguise.

Relationship meaning
In a relationship reading the Death card indicates the end of an element of a relationship. If it represents the final end of a relationship, remember the good times, but let go and look forward with optimism.

Negative meaning
The negative aspect warns that to resist change will bring stagnation. In some cases it can suggest the inability to let go and move on to develop a new relationship.

Summation / Outcome - The sun
General meaning
The card of the Sun represents energy, enthusiasm, taking care of the inner child and allowing spontaneity and openness to be an integral part of your life.

Relationship meaning
In a relationship layout, the Sun depicts a spontaneous loving relationship that has balance, harmony and the potential for a successful future. There is a general feeling of trust and openness that is reciprocal.

Negative meaning
Optimism is offered with this card, but there are doubts and a fear of being so optimistic, probably based on the experience of past failures. You may have a tendency not to take happiness at face value.

 
Its an Earth shaking day today. I finally got to deal with the kind of dying-to-yet-I-aint-want-to-be-there situation. I ran into En and his partner, at Orchard today. It was a split second coincidence. I would have miss him by far, but then, it just happened.

I cant exactly put forth how I feel, and I still can feel it now. I was totally stunned and very confused. She is definitely gorgeous and pretty, and they definitely wun seems to have issues together for 'that' matter. Im confused, but I guess I dun have to hide that fact, that he is a complete arsehole.

Is this exactly what has been arranged for me, sort of for me to move on or something? An affirmation give to me - to let go completely, or is it that my emotions have been trival and I should have least be bothered about it and continue the way things are ?

I have no one to turn to, what can I do ? I feel like a maroon. Will I really able to forgo the pleasure and let him go ? Afterall, now that I cannot justified why am I doing all this for.

 
StarIQ reading today: You may have a minor epiphany today as you realize something about yourself that you never quite put together. If you remain open to change, this can be the start of a whole new emotional growth spurt for you. The dilemma that can prevent you from making the most of this “aha” experience is that you want something that you just cannot yet have. Let it go and it may eventually come to you.

Oh well, more than one month has lapsed since I have been with En. Been on block leave and now the 'unavailable' week. However, as I saw through the last ep of SATC2 last night, I cant help but cry soo much. Maybe I just had wanted a chance to really cry it out, but holding back all the time. My heart goes out to Carrie, it seems like she is someone Big just wanted to have but not bring out, not for serious. Just like my relationship with En.

It has come to a point of time, that, I am trying to justified to myself why I am doing this. In fact, perhaps this is a good time to get used to life before knowing him. Well, am I, like Carrie, just addicted to the pain of able to be with someone so unattainable? Should I, just let it go ? afterall, everytime after we have 'it', I have to go through this whole emotional rollercoaster struggle and terrible mood swings, all by myself.

Its very true that I never quite able to put this together. On one hand, I enjoyed the physical pleasure, but the emotional burden and the guilt feeling on me is just too great. Maybe, indeed I should let it go, and the real thing that I wanted, will eventually come to me, or will it? and will I actually feel free after that ?

 
So En finally called, on Thursday near to lunch time, and we went out for some 'servicing'. This time around, sex is a bit of different, a bit more of tender moments (although much of the ranchiness remains), when he cummed and he rested on and hugged me from behind, it feels good, definitely; and when I stroke his face lightly, he turned towards me; When he pumped me, it does not feel as technical as before.

I feel sated, and it makes me just yearn for him, more.

I hope Im not on my way to self-destruction.