Wow, its been a month since i sliced in here ! it sure looks longer, din it?

Well En has just left for a 10 days holiday to Europe, prob with his spouse i guess... for a White Xmas, while I am all cold and lonely here - Kick myself for that, I bought it to myself din I.

Anyway, after that hook up, he left for Perth, but he sms me on 8 Nov the day he was back to talk shop, since I was VERY late for work that day and I supposed he was not able to get me on phone. But then, we met up for coffee in the late afternoon though. To me, that 'ordeal' has long worn off, and secretly I was glad to see him ( in anticipation for more steamy action). But of coz, its just a simple coffee break for the both of us. Think we met up in another week to have lunch though, but not much action so as to speak.

Early Dec, 3 Dec he sms-ed me asking me to buy him dinner, well of coz i was more than glad even if I hv to pay for it, but in a way I understood he wanted another hook up. Did I agree? Read my above paragraph, I was as eager of more steamy action as my horniness gets the better of me. Meetup on 10 Dec, bad timing cause I was mid of rushing some training materials. But I guess it was the adreneline rush of time running out and an excuse of relieving that pent up stress that make me more hungry for the night's action.

Lets skip details of the dinner; anyway he bgt me to a very nice Thai Rest at Funan and he paid for it. We went over to Newsroom Bar subsequently to have a few drinks to fueled our make out session. As usual, he tries to find out more bout my state of virginity and views on sex. Being quite frankly on my doubts and reservations, but my body must be burning with passion.

Very soon, we are on the road, driving along Newton to the place we first have it, and it seems like he has been doing a bit of investigation. This time, we drove right past that carpark and into a very isolated place with lots of vehicle but yet seems so deserted at night. Then again, our furious alcohol-fueled make out session broke loose and we did not even make it to the back of the car. But halfway he got distracted by his phone ( seems like his wife calling though). The session was a quick one - no sex. As i suck his cum for the first time, it was strong and masky, full of his manhood. my Goodness, it was such an experience I must say. I wun say I do like it, but I hope he enjoyed it ( but it feels good to feel pleasure through his moans). Will I do it again? oh yes, i will, and will keep on improving to prefection. Im nasty, aint I?

But after that, something not exactly farnie, but it amused me, happened. En was actually feeling guilty ( for himself) for doing it - i asked y, and he said its the first time he ejaculated (in such a extra-marital affair/ hook up ?) and all the time he was asking if he can pump me ( yes ... i dying for it too actually). Nevertheless, i was loss for words when i heard tat. Anyway, i told him i havent hv my share of fun yet as he still wears that guilty look , he said he will make it up to me another time.

Now things seems to be getting a bit more fun, the tables seems to have turned, and I feel in control, or at least, i seems to hv get back at him. But that bastard dropped me off HV to catch a cab. Darn him. Oh, btw, I told him I am still a virgin till that night, he was definitely surprise for a while but soon he was talking bout getting a room on a fine Fri afternoon and taking me slowly.. sounds good doesnt it?? I must be nuts thinking tat way!!

Anyway after that, we din really get to meet up, just shop calling over phones and emails. We chatted for a while yesterday though, and the fouth and shall i put it, monthly hook up looks promising early next Jan though. But i think he really needs to keep a low profile, he seems to be bumping into his frens & relatives now and then.

 

I got my tarot readings just now , and im just amaze sometimes how accurate it seems to portray my current situation. I couldnt agree more on the translation and how applicable it is - Everything, is just based on physical attraction, or more bluntly, sexual attraction. This is what is going on between En n me. One of the readings ( think its for current situation) reads :

Relationship meaning
The Two of Wands suggests the development of a relationship that is based on physical attraction. This can often be a spontaneous interaction between two people, very much of the moment.

Negative meaning
You would rather stay in a negative or unhappy situation or relationship, rather than force yourself to make decisions or changes


As i said, we 'hooked-up' on Wed, him with only SEX on his mind. I was really unsure and in a dilemma, if u know my situation ...

He drove me back to my place and I really hate to see him disappointed after I turned him down on the sexual offer; we started to get touchy and before I knew it, im all down on him sucking his sex while his finger sliding inside me me...I know all he wanted is sex, and I wanted it as badly too, only to realise sex with someone you cannot trust ( hey, he dun even have a fucking condom on) is painful.

It din last long , I tot I almost died there, and i think I tore myself quite badly as I taste my own blood on him.

Gosh, I still dunno what the hell I am thinking, my mind too clouded to evaluate the situation and take my stance.

Well, but one thing im sure, there was no love, not a hint, just pure pleasure without committment. And now, i know wats a hook up means - its just a sexual encounter minus the courtship of dating

Im quoting this from a YPP.net write up :

But according to social psychologist and media pundit Carol Devine-Molin, hooking up isn’t all that great a deal for girls.

“Since young women are not being asked out and courted by young men, these sexual encounters (hook-ups) lack context and are often confusing, hurtful and awkward for the women,” she says.

We agreed that we weren’t committed or anything. I say “we” because I had no choice but to agree – otherwise I would’ve looked clingy and deluded. I din wanted to look like tat, and I guess thats y i agreed to doing tat with him.

In my case, the hook up with En was full of excitement and constant daydreaming mixed with stress.
I guess it has ended anyway, since he cant get any satisfaction from me, and he being new to the bank, its probably that he will be 'hooking up' many other girls down the road.

 
Sun and still in office ... actually was surfing and icq-ing Russ most of the time heheh

 
ok, im here... in office, quite happy actually. I got to shine my brilliant idea at the meeting yday and seems like I got this exciting project in my lap now. I see it as either make or break me though. Wish the stars and sun are with me.

Back to EN, went to see him at his office on Thurs actually. Surprisingly his desk just resemble those of a bach. Still as charming as ever, althru he seems to muffle a bit ( he looks as nervous as me as I strode him... i mean strode up to him heheh). We went into a small meeting room, rock a bit on the sign off form, all the while im breathing in his scent, then he decided to bgt me to starbucks for a drink ( on him! tats wat i like about him!) chat a bit before we parted.

Friday evening, got back from the fab meeting and feeling top of world, got his sms asking me how im doing and when i asked him wussup, he actually said "Just thinking of you!" OK I shouldnt believe that he is a CHEATER ok, anyway we fixed again to meet up on Wed evening, to prob have drinks and I dunno wat else ....

Mind is in a mess just thinkin of wat will happen. Anyway I got to WORK now so ciao blogger.... erm, should i start another blogger on LUST and Emotions? hahahahah

 
again and again i think i never name this blogger Wrongly! Lost emotions.... ran into Wil the other day and he is lunching wid tat same ger ( i think). So ALL IS BLOODY LOST.

but again, the end of a chapter always mark a new beginning. On tat same day, this guy i am working wid on a new proj invited me for some drinks... Day is 16 Oct 02, Wed. I was feeling ever so shitty I have to take his offer. Anyway it turns out to the the biggest , nope not mistake, but rather the hottest fling i have!

en is actually married, as what he told me, but its either I been sending out the wrong signals or he is always on the prowl. BUT I LOVE THE WAY HE DO THINGS. Actually I dun care anymore... call me materialistic or practical, i aint care!

Went to embargo and we embark on some serious JD-coke drinking ... and I tot i wun be touching tat toxic for at least 3 months after all those I had during the chalet =P, it was like 11 when we decided to go ( and the bill is tapping ard $200 odds, OMG), got into his cars, he starts to put his hand on my thigh... being as horny as i am always... well I din stop him of coz.

Ok, to be clearer, when i first heard him over the phone and subsequently met him during a meeting, I was totally awe by him... U know, all those characteristics i wan in a man .... confident, articulate, socialite, rich, drive .....Man i just wished he was still single.

Back to wat happened in the car though... I start to look at him ( AKA seduce him heheh, ok i had some drinks...), he asked me if he is driving me horny ... response = YES. tats about it. He make a turn into a a Newton Carpark ( where u get transport to Mersing) and tats how the hot fling started.

He leaned over and told me that hes married, and all these just for fun.. blah blah, could have told him to shut up and F me... i just take off my safety belt, lean over and kiss him,,,, woow, its was one of the best i had... tongues flickers and hands roaming...

What makes the difference ? Man he never will understand why he will be remembered by me in a special way, even if we are not gg to have a rendevous again. He got my first blow job assignement!! LUCKY Fellow! hahahahah

I hope I did well though, all those gentle sucking and licking seems to be driving him crazy.. mabbe he din expected THIS MUCH huh =P or mabbe more ?

Anyway it went on a while, some amazing foreplay while clothed..... before we call it a nite.

Since im back to earth , I been thinking if I would ever go out wid him for drinks again.. ITs just oblivious that he wants to screw me at the end of the day... Man i hate to disappoint him, but being the morally correct person I claimed myself to be same day as Russ bought up some matters, and that still being a virgin, its not impossible not to be in a dilemma , rite?

I would have screw him if I am a V anymore. But do i care anyway? I've yet to find the answer.
Mabbe I have to leave to the situation. Some times when some things has to happen, it has to happen.

 
Here I am again, feeling ever so terrible to day. Lots of horrible things happened too.. Haiz.

I think my neck can barely support my head, no actually i feel as if my head is full of helium can gg to float off anytime; And because its feel with Helium my eyes are being squeezed out of its sockets - tats how shitty I feel today.

the chalet thing din turn out well. Lots of shit happen. the verdict ~ im gg to lose one whole truck of frens. tats it. man, i know im short tempered, but then, its was something in me.. the last straw i can ever take... and I exploded I guess, esp when its feel with helium.

Anyway, i got real drunk, for the first time in history, puked hahah and ON MYSELF! and I was thinkin was a good feeling it was to puke.... hahah, sorrie to my fren who hv to clear up the mess on me ( think its ling). :P

I dun think im gg to drink till tat siong anymore... in fact, when i think about tat bloody nite again, i feel like puking... looks like alcohol will not be on my list for some time though.

Anyway, nuthin much today. wanted to bury myself in Work Work Work which is definitely picking up and tat I better do something good before I get my butts kicked ( out ).

Perhaps another reason is because I run into wil tis afternoon while coming to office. He was gg lunch wid quite a pretty ger. Anyway, i was too in a darn mood to noticed anything. He dropped by later, saying he is visiting other working partners on the same flr as I am so coming over .... at the wrong time. My table was in such a Big Mess!... ARGH! Agony! Who cares!!! #@$%

Tats it , im getting out of the office soon to the gym. Hopefully the bodycombat class will be great tonite; really need some pure kick ass action.

ciao blogger. nobody miss me.

 
im back dear bloggie ! ::waltz wid Bloggie::
Alrite, I just hv to continue the portion about WIL rite heheh.

(Cont'd) WIL
c) 23 Aug damn its been too long i cant recall wat happened next... oh ok, on Friday, saw him at the Lobby . In fact, i noticed his fren Kenneth first walking into the lift and I was lookin into the lift to see if he was in there oreadi , din see anyway ...sheesh I must had looked disappointed. Anyway I was in a lousy mood tat day (for no apparent reasons I hope). But then , he waved to me ! Damn it he actually at the lobby !mabbe it was too long or that I cant recognise him in those casual short sleeves (Loud) green shirt! HAHAH anyway he still look pretty much the same, so we say hello and he asked about how I was doing ... and I kinda give a snort ( I think I was still abit shocked I din notice him) and pouted... erm well, he asked about when he could see the LEAPS thing... so I said, not today ( busy, really!) mabbe next week stuff like tat.... chatted abit before he got off his flr.

d) 23 Aug damn, still got lots to write.... so on Friday nite, i got a big shit on my workstation... got to do the PTS, and my boss wants me to update some demand template....stayed back till late to finish it ( same day I went to newsroom for the graveyard thing). Anyway, I sms him about my plight and he replied "haha someone is sharing my suffering... that is actually due today. so is yr pts" anyway cant remember wat I replied.

e) On 29 Aug, I emailed him if he can come over in the afternoon for the LEAPS demo... but he din.

f) 30 Aug So here comes Fridae again ..... unexciting week indeed. Nuthin much happen ( still thinking). Anyway on Fri he sms me if I wan to hv lunch with him ( YES!) but damn I had lunch appt wid my frens oreadi! bo pian , gotta turn him down ( he replied "OK : ( "

f) Insert : 31 Aug, he sms me askin if i managed to finish the template, and he revealed something like he is gg away from ITG. I was a bit worried at first, tot he might leave the bank for good . He's funnie, send me something like " I cld hav told u that. all the gd guys left cos of the feminie nature of the job. n the remaining guys look like dogs. hehehe..." isnt tat shooting himself in his foot ? HAHAH. I think on Monday I sms him those spam again, and he replied "are u dressed when u got into the post box".... prob he was feeling horny then hahah. of coz, i replied askin if he prefer it to be dressed and got his silly reply on "no, i prefer some wrapper on the goods"... tats about it, think he very passionate but he not too sure how much ( kinky) to be wid me.

g) 2 Sep OK here comes the exciting part hahah! send those bo liao email out , and found he din open it the whole morning, so sms him to see if he is on leave... he replied "no. in a mtg. whats up? lunch?" ... I swear that was never my intention ! but well, i just replied "Yeah, will u be free? " , and he say ok, so of coz he meet up. damn i should hv been more prepared was wearing an ugly pair of pants tat day ( MONDAY!). He looks cute.... wid an expensive pair of D&G glasses ( he wear glasses!) so we chit chat a bit about his melb trip ...... poor thing got his hand sprain over and over again..... asked for some photos... We end up in Starbucks @ capital towers having coffee, toking rocks hahah. Oh, btw he is gg back to Business Unit ( IBG). Anyway it was a short lunch ( i was too excited to hv any appetite) and there I am back to office.

Oh, and he came by in the afternoon to look at the LEAPS system. and he leaned real closed when I was giving the demo , I can tell it was intentional anyway :P.. yeah rite. The demo was very short ( damn!)

Again, nuthin happen after tat. sometimes I wonder wat he really thinks or it just me THINKING too much.

Saw him yday having ice cream wid his Kenneth. hahah , looks real Cute .... two man having ice cream..... tok Rocks a bit but I had to run off....

Well tats about it bloggie. Got lots of packing to do today, so I hv to run off for now. Promise to be back soon !

 
Aye Aye sorrie dear blogg i din know I have been away for thhhhhhhhhhis long! OMG ! wat hv i been busying wid.... mmmh...nuthin Nuthing & NUTHIN!

but nuthin much happened during these two weeks anyway, nuthin worthy of mention really... alrite, u just wan a quick flashback rite (say yes!) ... ok ( pretend to be reluntant) ... hahah.

BATC
a) NO YANDAOS IN CLASS! only 5 guys in a class of 25 and three were dirt malays YUCKS!
b) been to 2 expedition oreadi its definitely fun!
c) Got stuck in mud on 2nd expedition! luckily no leeches! I HATE MUD! spent the rest of Sun evenings cleaning up :"(
d) Suffered a few cuts on arms, pain.. but it looks cool. LUCKILY its not on face, wun be cool but "Ku" (crying) then. :P

NEWSROOM
a) Been to newsroom again last week, tis time just ZK the idiot and his 'gf' rina.
b) Tired GRAVEYARD! KAO $30 / mug @#$% n taste like shittt but certainly potent (on 3rd sip)
c) decidedly tat Long Island Iced Tea is still the best!

WIL
a) Oh hes back ( singly) ::pretendin as if I dun care ::
b) He first SMS me on 21 Aug on y am I not in a certain workshop ( was not invited, but cooked up some other excuses anyway). idiot never reply when i replied...

Argh gtg oreadi, updating tis soon !

 
Juz came back from a long n dready weekend. Basically nuthin much happened over the weekend.. Spend almost the whole Fri watch silly HK VCDs hahah, Sat in the gym ( > 3 hrs of exercise) and Sun on my PC.

Oh well, went out to Newsroom on Thu nite. It was kinda bored at first, coz the gers I came out wid went dancing with the new found frens. U know me, I cant dance when im not drinking. So i hang ard a bit, walked a few rounds the bar, its pretty bored I must say. Until later the night when drinks came in. I wun wan to write wat happen, coz what happen next is all the silliness in me again, getting kinda drunk and i think I dance with a stranger. Hope he is good lookin :P . Prob not. I cant remember how he look like anyway.

Vowed not to get tat silly drunk again, ok! at least not in public place WHERE i have to get a cab back afterwards. Tats just stupid , rite!

Anyway, I have a game on the UT server wid u know who! Milo!! heheh. Its definitely fun! He managed to thrash the others despite tat he is pinging terribly! heheh.
Im sure we do it again, but first, hv to get hold of some good servers hosting the game. Hopefully the pagn and signnet ones are still workin and wun be pinging too high :/

So tats about it, another start of work week. Hey my BATC starts this week!
Sat - Expedition Planning/ Wilderness Ethics
Sun - Campcraft / Ropework - argh at an horrible time of 8:30am ( supposedly the meeting time, which means i got to wake up real early! Horrible Horrible!!)

Hope it will be lots of fun ;)

Wil only be back next week. Hmmh, will he miss me as much as I miss him ? i guess not. Not at all. Who knows he might be having lunch with a new found gf now...

Well its just me, and myself. Then, and now, and future.

::smack:: liven up yeah!!

 
Aye, it has been more than 1 week since I have dinner wid Wil. Well besides that sms he sent after i got home, theres nothin else the whole week+.
He wrote " hi, hope u r home by now. thanks for the company this evening."
I replied "yup, same to u. good nite"

Looks like there wun be any new blogs. it will gg to be "Lost Emotions".

we din contact at all, till this morning... send him those usual 'cute' sms. he replied
"hi hi, r u at work? i m on leave, heading to melbourne tom."
(my heart twitched for a sec, ok about 10 sec. Its the same kind of feeling , u know.. the feeling of lost).
no surprise, i asked him how long he gg, and if gg alone?
he replied "abt 2 wks. going to snow board and hope I still hv a job when i get back. yes, i m going alone but all my frens r there"
( hey, aint Im yr fren and im in sg???)

Anyway... haiz... if he is mine, he will be. if not, it just destiny. But my heart just feel terrible and heavy.

Read up my horoscope on astrologyzone.come the other day. If anyone ask me in future what kind of man I am looking for, tis is wat I will reply:
I want a responsible, general cofident (aka oozing with SEX heheh), and he must hv a positive attitude towards life ( coz i hardly hv any). Preferably financially stable, and will be able to 'look after' me ( learn from vicky). When I mean 'look after' me, what i mean is he must be mature in thinking, so tat saves me the trouble of nagging. I hate to nag. Firstly, he must be brave enough to love me. :)

Haiz.

 
Hang on there ... heh the radio is playing Sweet Freedom now ! wat coincidencE!
.....You r the magic..... you're where i wanna be ......

oo ok , so i went out wid Wil for dinner y'day.....Well all i can say he is nuthin but oozing wid SEX! i mean he is definitely the Sexiest man i come across so far.
Gosh, I never really bothered about e post-date of How my date thinks of me for my recent spree wid guys until when Mae meets Willy. I mean Wil. heh :P

Got to know him a bit more, where he has been, studying, life in Sg, his income and I hope tats not all gg forward :/ Im really worrying about if he will date me again, coz wat he said when we parted... He went the opposite way taking the bus ( arsehole least he can take the train /walk me to the station ??), wid 'c u'... 'c u in gym' ( not call u up again for next date etc ). But he is surely one tough one to tackle, .... attractive, confidence, not desparate (happily single seemingly, and 101% sexy (heheh) ::smack::

Here's the Bio:
Nick : Wil
Age : 32
DOB : 11 Nov 1969
Status : Single
Income : $4.8k / mth
Height : 1.78m i think, mmmh was lookin at his back yday while exiting from the ladies ....... nice bod i must admit.
Past :
Studied in Melbourne Monash U for double deg in Business (Accountancy) and Computer Studies ( Computing)
First class honour follow by a Master course (Scholarship) ...... ok , not too mention, besides sexy, he's smart heheh
Work in Aus for 5 yrs before returning to Singapore to work. Reason for leaving : high personal taxes.
He talked about an ex of 1 yrs + who leave him for a (younger n richer?) guy when he is 3 months into doing his honours; Was totally devastated for 4 months; decided to pick himself up n got 1st class honours.

3 Sisters now working / living in melb.

Current:
An A2 Currently working in DBS Bank for close to 2 yrs. wonders why he is in ITG. Alwayz feel being underpaid wid a double deg under his belt.
Living with his mom near Tiong Bahru. Have a small little dog ( flown in from Aus).
Happily Single, but always lookin.
Gg back to melbourne soon for some skiing action
has around 20 pairs of shoes... !

The dinner was really a short one, barely an hr or so i think. I hope I make a good impression though. the stupidest thing i said was about fhm. darn it he's not even an 'ex' to me. just a short, brief stupid stint. STUOPID FHM I should gives me a nice hard ROUND HOUSE KICK if I ever see him. DUMB ARSE.... im referring to FHM not ME.

Follow up plan :
... erm none yet. we see how over the weekends.

 
Song : Safri Duo feat Michael Mcdonalds : Sweet Freedom

okie dokie so im gg out on a date with Wil tonite! finally! after the 3rd attempt! (first recorded as at 25 May 2002)

Im kinda nervous , feelin freakie. i guess so far he is the most suitable guy im gg out wid.
Wish me luck ! Hope everything goes out smoothly to warrant a 2nd date !

Should tell myself ... self-confident, fabulous looking, sexy, flirty,Shine Sweet Freedom! Shine your light on me!

tat Joker, sms him never reply...

NO MORE RUNNIN' DOWN THE WRONG ROAD
DANCIN' TO A DIFF'RENT DRUM
CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT'S GOIN' ON
DEEP INSIDE YOUR HEART
ALWAYS SEARCHIN' FOR THE REAL THING
LIVIN' LIKE IT'S FAR AWAY
JUST LEAVE ALL THE MADNESS IN YESTERDAY
YOU'RE HOLDIN' THE KEY
WHEN YOU BELIEVE IT

CHORUS:
SHINE SWEET FREEDOM
SHINE YOUR LIGHT ON ME
YOU ARE THE MAGIC
YOU'RE RIGHT WHERE I WANNA BE
OH SWEET FREEDOM CARRY ME ALONG
WE'LL KEEP THE SPIRIT ALIVE ON AND ON

WE'LL BE DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT
SMILIN' WITH THE RISIN' SUN
LIVIN' LIKE WE'VE NEVER DONE
GOIN' ALL THE WAY
REACHIN' OUT TO MEET THE CHANGES
TOUCHIN' EVERY SHINING STAR
THE LIGHT OF TOMORROW IS RIGHT WHERE WE ARE
THERE'S NO TURNIN' BACK
FROM WHAT I'M FEELING

CHORUS:

COZ THERE'LL BE STARLIGHT ALL NIGHT
WHEN WE'RE CLOSE TOGETHER
SHARE THOSE FEELINGS DANCIN' IN YOUR EYES
TONIGHT THEY'RE GUIDING US
SHININ' TILL THE MORNIN' LIGHT

 
Just tok to ZK.... i asked him like ,wat he likes to see less of me...

he says... He wans to see more self-confident in me.

Quite true, sometimes i suffer from low self-esteem. I think its becoz of my past , no bfs.. fat.. ugly.. sighz... how to develop self confident like tat?

Wish me luck, and hopefully I will be starting a new blog soon on happier events!

 
hey! wat happen to my prev post????

darn it... here it is .... dated : 10 Jul 2002


me: heh hi, havent seen or heard from u for weeks, r u still ard in dbs?

22:35 no dear, bad news is that i m still stuck in dbs.
just got buried in the process. how have u been? got time for lunch tom?

me : aye there u are {smiley}. mi on course for next 3 days and gg for a short
break over the weekend. how about next week then?

me: ? sleep liao or din got my reply?

22:59: ahh, the nego course. lucky u, i was suppose to attend but just couldnt
get the time away. going away? for a dirty weekend...?

me: i can onli get dirty if u going wid me.. hee, wat u busy wid? i tot u oreadi
finished the crm thingy?

23:32: just got ur sms. dirty wif me? my, wonder wat impresssion i hav been giving u.
i m still cleaning up the repors in crm. then i will have to do the budget thing.

me: just kiddin lar...relac man im not trying to give u any wrongs ideas too.
me gg to tioman wid my ex classmate for some r&r. ok i gtg u take cares.

aiya, now u say...i was just planning our weekend!! oksee u next week. take care at tioman,
please come back in one piece.

me: of coz i will come back in one piece juz to c u next week :P good nitey.

 
21 Jul 2002
14:54 :hey woman. what have u been busy with?
me : makaning wid my mom n sis now. went to the SQ centre for the team building course y'day.
15:03 : yeah, was going 2 ask if u went. how was it ? a waste of time?
(Arsehole, din he hv the list tat Im suppose to go on the same weekend?)
me : kinda of, have u went to similar course before?
--no reply -- arsehole
me : so what are u busy with now?
him : yeah still busy with the budget
me : busy still must eat dinner rite ... so will u be free for dinner say Wed or Fri ? :P
him : ok, wed is good
(arsehole .... sounds unappreciative)
me : Great! so u at home now?
him :no, on my way down for coffee at holland v
me : so cool, who your new gf issiy?
him : no ... i wished. waiting for u to intro some sassy gal
(ARSEHOLE ARSEHOLE ARSEHOLE)
me : mmmh, (trying to take it easy) Wed lor heheh.
---no response ...aRSEHOLE!)
me : ok, enjoy yourself and c u on Wed.
--no Response ....complete arsehole....

 
song : Kasey Chamber - Not Pretty Enough

sighz, after a direction-less and lost weekend with myself wandering through my restless mind, Im back to work. As I tot I have kinda tidy up my feelings , I still feel some pain in my heart ... those feeble feeling when i read my previous blog. Wat to do, mabbe i was just to naive, trying to make-believe some things that had NEVER ever exist. I guess i should just STOP thinkin about it huh.

Anyway, I hope all bad things ends there. Have booked a trip to Tioman, together wid dan the man, lipton n his gf. Yup, dan is back. I reckon is better to go together then to go alone ? Hope it will turn up fine. Anyway, its kinda cheap heheh, about $160 / pax compared to wat i initially have on mind ( @ $300 for single trip) so im quite glad. Still the task of waking up and reaching the Golden Mile Complex at 6:30am is daunting..... HELP!!

Hey, having book such a cheap trip, mabbe i can squeeze in some $ to buy a pair of Teva heheh. Darn, the WOS had a 30% sale last weekend. Went pass it today but it does not seems to hv it now... ARGH. anyway, im sure I will be needing one pair for my coming BATC in August.

OH well will be on course for 3 days so by tomorrow, i better packed watever stuffs in the office i need to bring for the trip home... heh , like? toothbrush , refills , shades, mmmh, that seems to be about all heheh.

 
geesh i know it have been a while, but theres nuthin much new in my life....

anyway, im here today, to record more Lost Emotions.... How appropriate, or was it just a curse that is spell bounded on me ?

I plucked up enuff courage to sms fhm today, after like 1 1/2 months of non-contact, in the morning on my way to work.
it started out normal, he was just saying he is busy. after a couple of hrs, he sms me again ( surprise) and i guess this is wat he wanted to tell me, he had a gf.
i.... really feel a sense of heart shattering moment.... oh well, though i should hv record all he sms-ed afterwards here. but wats the point rite.

I really told him i feel silly n stupid that i have been hanging on. I dun care if he cares or not... but he sms-ed farnie stuffs tat let me think he either trying to make up to me , or he just not a trust worthy fellow.... can i take wat Russ said ( Russ = milo) tat he is the latter? I cried and cant help feeling sorry for myself, or was it the lost of another relationship? He wrote things like " just let him know wat i wan, and he know wat to do ... " DO WAT? and stuffs like " we can still be frens if i wan or dare (?)" ?

I feel myself going to nowhere.... I told Russ ( luckily hes online) tat love hv better find me coz I am not seeking it anymore.


I'm sitting all alone
wonderin' where to start
sittin' all alone
but that's the way I like it
-That's the way I like it
I'm watching people as they come in
They're so strange to me
but that's the way I like it
-That's the way I like it

The music plays loud
a familiar tune
it takes me far back
-to when I was in love
Dance away my life
Dance away the pain
but keep me from thinking
-of when I was in love

NO MORE......pain
NO MORE......sorrow
NO MORE......lies
NO MORE......love

Get off the dance floor
and I sit back down
I can't seem to forget
-just what love's been like!
So I'm doomed
to be in a crowded room
and still feel alone
-just what loves been like!
I don't know anymore
-what love's like

I'm not so sure that
it's better to have lost in love
cause I'm not so sure that
it's better to have loved at all

NO MORE.....pain
NO MORE.....sorrow
NO MORE.....lies
NO MORE.....love

~no more, (venus virus)

 
It is a strange feeling , as if u have everything, but when u look more carefully, examine a while longer, u realised, there is actually nuthin in yr hands....

This is the feeling I am having right now. Everything just seems to be a dream... suddenly they are here, and u can feel their breath on yr skin... in another moment, they are just gone, and leaves u wondering, if everything was just your imagination.

 
Finally purchase the Fujifilm A101 ! Whammmm im so happy! its kinda a cool camera, simple, functionable n good looking , ok a bit out-dated lookin but its still good! paid $306 for it. onli took one photo so far which is the doll which resemble Milo... but i tot if I send to him will he mis-understanding? I feel tat he is fallin to me. Im scare at the same time.. the feeling of losing after having it, like wid Van n Fhm. sigh cant i jus be braver?

Anyway, nuthin excitin happen over the weekends, oh well ,except Milo went on icq (from HK) to say Hello =) boy i know he will do tat but im juz soo glad to see him online!

Still thinkin of fhm, esp lately. dunno wats wrong wid me. of coz, time will erode the feelins n prob the pain each time I tot about him. wonder wat he is doing , how he is now. sigh.

takin a nap... so sleep. tok later.

 

Been three unproductive days... well i tried my best at work but nuthin interest me at all. Im soo sick of all these email chasing stuffs, its killing me.

Tok again to Milo Again, actually i tok everyday! last Fri, after work, practically tok from 6 plus to near 10 pm! He juz never stop having fun poking at each other, and sharing each other life etc etc. Btw, told him im still a V. Glad I did n it havent change a single thing! On Sunday, we chatted alot again ( another 4 hrs till my back is aching like hell) and tok about religion stuffs. ITs real cool to share such things with him (althru he is not into this religion) and know I wun be judged by wat i say!

This mornin , he popped in to say Hello etc. Said he kinda discover a mean of teaching English in Asia Region ( HK, Jap, etc). Seems like he is serious n considering... And further, he asked me to join him! oh my. I really dun wan to turn him down u know. Who knows, he might juz be 'The One' ? ( were toking about how I will know if The One Appears).

But I never did tot about gg to HK .... another cosmopolitan town like Singapore huh. Anyway, Milo is leaving for HK on 7 Jun for a 10 days holiday! gonna missed him but he promised he will try to log in to reach the 'hug' quota LoL. Tats so Cute n Nice huH!

Oh yeah, bits of updatin'. Was at a vic's fren Bday party last Friday..... guess wat, Van is there, wid his new ger =(
Bloody SOB, din even bothered to return me e $50 he own me ( tats all i care now! hahah)

No words/ news fr fhm...... guess its a gone case...... =( . I miss him sometimes frankly. Actually almost everyday (when im not thinkin of other guys heheh). Miss his passionate kiss n touch.

Wil, this workaholic. Nope we din managed to had a second date . Think he is juz toooo busy. still managed to sms a bit, and hook up on phone for barely mins last nite...

btw, know a new guy from icq.... name is ..... Bran (name has been changed to protect the innocent). Hooked up on fone wid him last nite and we chatted for a while. Quite nice feelin bout it =). But Alas he is 2 yrs Younger ok so forget it!

Anyway, tats about all i wan to say. and yeah, sadly, my menses returned after onli a 20-days cycle. looks like something is real wrong wid me. And YEAH (THRILL NOW!) signed up for the Basic Adventure Training Course (B.A.T.C)... it will start in mid Aug for 6 weeks! lookin fwd to a tougher me!

Smile, the world will still evolve despite the sorrow in my heart.

 
ok, about time to leave but i tot mabbe i upd today's blog. well send a mischievous sms to Wil last nite and he sms back heheh we sms for a while, well askin each other questions... mainly bout his age etc. Funnie how it feels, coz in absolute difference, 7 yrs seems to be a large gap, but then being 32 he is in his prime, and hence can be considered, young. Well anyway, he kinda asked if I had a bf etc heheh n we ended wid him badeing me 'good nite baby' hahah looks like im scoring...

But in fact, if I have not make an investigation on him I tot he is like 28 or 29, coz he really dun look as Old as he sounded like.
Yeah, of coz i make an investigation on his age, where he stays and if he is married etc heheheh. I prefer u calling me resourceful and careful.

well, can u believe it i chatted with Milo for 4 hrs today ( at work ! duh) he is really such a nice, honest, lovable guy ( n as notty as I do). i really get to know him soo much, and we click! Sigh, y cant such a person appear in my real life? I told him about me thinkin of gg Aus to work/study n he gladly willin to sponsor me hahah....... and he tot of a change of environment (esp now he has not strings attached) .. means comin to Singapore to work?

This is insatiable....... There's a racing in my heart ... (but) I am barely touching you
We never sleep there's just so much to do
Too much to say
Can't close my eyes when I'm with you
Insatiable the way I'm loving you

But i know its as good as not possible between us......... and even as we have soo much to say or soo much similarities between us its not possible, unless one of us give up wat we have now and move over. Will I ? well .. my heart is willing but my flesh is weak... The future so uncertain... and Im a person full of uncertainty. I have never been in love ( mutual i mean), I dun know if I am one who can be satisfy by having one and only one,

Im on fire, Im rotting to the core
Im eating all your Kings and Queens
All the Sex and Diamonds...

 
I saw fhm online again, for a very brief moment before he got off. And wat did i do?
i am not gg to make the same mistake Twice of coz.
I din do anything, though my heart is aching and my hands were shaking.

Not too sure if poor Wil really had a bad case of tendon pull, coz he seems to be absent fr work today! hmmh. anyway see how.

Downloaded David Usher : Black Black Heart. Though its kinda farnie wid the opera thing, but i love his sexy voice ( n he look kinda sexy too) n the sexy lyrics...esp this :
Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds

 
i juz login to icq n fhm was online... after waitin for a few mins, i decided to msg him wid a simple hello.... n.. he jz log off! i really dunnno wat to do, wat i hv done wrong?!!! if he is not interested anymore why cant he juz tell me so tat i am not holdin on anymore?! im sick of myself.

 
Aye Aye. lets see, its been 10 days since i entered this blog. well juz tat nuthin new or excitin been comin into my life i suppose. Well lets flash back on the last 10 days on some stuffs...

One, fhm did call but i miss his phone anyway. he juz said he sort of missed me and call me to chat n take cares n hugz when i sms him the subsequent day... ok tis wat he wrote: Ya i sort of miss u so i call...Anyway hope u r fine...Chat wid ya again take care!Hugz" 22-May-2002, 16:40:38.

Two, Wil from the same Co, asked me out! cant believe it huh heheh oh BUT damn him fly my aeroplane on Sat sayin he got a strained tendon n hv to meet another day! Im Mad! for doing tis to me.... should i punish him?!

Three.. well its about Milo. The + + feelings bout him. Very nice fellow, too bad we live like miles apart. Oh boy im expected his package this few days! he is sending me a postcard + a disc full of Maps n mods ! Glee {{HugSS}} he is the best. N we share so much in similarity.... soo bad,,, he is just too far... i cant bear the distance....

Four, this is a saddest news. my dear beloved Kris found her way outta tis shitty place.... she is leaving for Good. On one hand im sooo happy for her, but the other, i know im gg to miss her big time.

Five. Was so boored on Fri nite =(, so lonely in office until like 10 pm. so one is there for me, or perhaps i must say, Milo was there chattin wid me at least. I guess I wun meet another such understand guy in tis lifetime .... i wonder if both of us will ever ever meet. He told me it will onli be early next yr that he will have e next trip... to US to attend a wedding. oh, he is visiting HK coming June! hrm, i read the china airline crash y'day. I sincerely pray to God to let him have a safe trip.

aye aye.. too bad, his frens r gg to Bangkok after HK but he is not joinin! well coz if he is then i would love soo much to meet him there. Sob.

May is almost ending. ITs another concluding month that I, am, still, Single.

Regrets.

 
For the past weeks i have been feelin like Puddle of Mudd-- Blurry, and couldnt stop listening to tat song either.
Im tired of guessing, if fhm does not wan to see me anymore, tats it too. i wun be bothered. I hate myself, im becoming softer, like a typical women. In fact, i got so mad, i send something to by best fren Kris when she starts to take blames for things tat went wringy:

the problem about women, is tat watever shit they came across , they think its their fault, then feel bad n guilty about it, n mull about it. never get over it.

the thing about men, which is one thing i learn, is that watever shit they come across , they will find someone to push the blame to, and hence they never feel bad about it. they just move on their life. i hope u learn something now.

I must remember this! Its not my fault, its his lost. Im gg to heck care now, n moves on with life. Alone or watever, i think it will be great.

 
finally i got my internet connections up ... downloaded a few DM maps for Unreal Tournament ... sooo coool.

oh yeah, i managed to talk to fhm on Thurs... i finally decided to call him to see wats he is up to. im so ashame of myself. Well, it seems like he is helping out his parents, helping his dad out (who is having some problems) whenever he has the time, and hence explain why he suddenly disappears from icq and my life :( ... we onli have a 2 minutes talk mainly because Kris was next to me when he called. He sounds sooo stressed i wonder if i should call him just to ask how he is.

for the whole weekend i was thinkin about fhm .. call him .. dun call him .. call him ... etc. sigh, wonder if he find it irriating if i call him up . anyway, we see how it goes. he says he will be very very very very busy during May. I hope I can see him soon, n be ard him when he needs comfort .. sigh.

ok, im posting at home so better dun take too much time .... tok again tomolo....

 
I bgt the book last nite at mph ( for 17$ bucks!) on Men r from Mars, Women r from Venus - the modern classic guide version to help myself understand why men and women behave differently. What caught my eyes the first time i browsed through the book was that in a chapter it mentioned men r like rubber band; inevitably they do need to go away into their own cave for a while to do things they want to do, and women, should... for god sake leave them alone for tat period. It promise the man will 'spring' back like a pulled rubber band in no time hunger for you n expect to continue the intimacy previously shared....

So i was thinking, yeah mabbe that is wat fhm is doing..... but its just feel farnie. I cant help but suspect he have probably met someone, better and is seeing her. Thus avoiding me or treating me like a not-more-than-casual accquaintance n try to ignore the intimacy we had.
He used to be like coming online even twice a day just to chat wid me, but now NOT ANYMORE at all. How can I help not feeling something has changed? actually he was online early last morning, but he din even msg me to say hello...... tell me wat u think ????? I really hate to mis-interpret him but I dun wan to feel sad all over this anymore!

Although last nite i convinced myself to give him some more time, this morning, im feeling like Puddle of Mudd again -- in their song Blurry.

I really should not devote ANY feelings to him till he returns to me for reassurance? or should i pursue in hope of not losing him ? i dunno. Mabbe the book will say how, but i havent been reading it anyway.

So u might asked, wat the hell happen to the Van ? Well, as from day 1 I know it will never work out. so somehow i have successfully distracted myself from him ( by using fhm? mabbe). I guess the infatuation period is over and I no longer thinking much of the possibility between us, though now im a bit pissed I let him touched me tat way. I feel cheap and a slut. and I let fhm did tat too me. now i feel im cheapest in anyway.

Im Cheap. BUT DAMN IT I HAVE MY PHYSICAL NEEDS TOO which have been in suppression for the past 25 yrs!!! DAMN IT!

anyway, thinking of a short trip away end of May ( 27 is a PH) ...... considering the two waterfalls but afraid of the 'slippery rocks' n stuffs hahah i wonder if it is really as 'dangerous' as they sound it :P... anyway dunno where to go or prob stuck in Singapore? mabbe not a bad idea after all can stay home n play my games. prob high time to fix my internet connection too so tat i can start d/l the patches and update my drivers!

btw, dun u think men r sooo selfish? they go away without saying a word, and when they return, they expect u to be there to provide watever ranty sex u have previously with him without explanation and considering how hard the woman has been through debating if Why He Changed? Damn it! These jack-arse Dumb-witted men who do they think they are?

 
Yeah Rite, so it has been approximately ........3 hrs since my last blog and No Suprises! He did not Call! Rite. My heart felt derailed, my eyes no longer able to look into the eyes of strangers. I felt so beaten, and its a feeling of All hopes gone. I no longer wanted to feel Hope again, coz it brings me nuthin but disappointment.

 
Sometimes i feel like losing all my feelings so that i wun feel sad or down when the person u care about never response. But then wat life is to then if one live without feelings? its like a living corpse, or would life actually be more peaceful? just like a monk or a nun?

It hurts me when i decided to pay more attention to him instead, but it seems like im getting the 'cold calls'. I dun understand, one moment he is Hot, the other moment, or rather, Now, he is cold. Opps did he found out i ditched him to go to chiong on tat Friday??? hahah of coz not. But i dn even pester him or anything day and night .... giving his own breathing space as before.. or is it becoz of this he dun feel my feelings towards him ?

Anyway, i dun have the courage to call him again. So till he call me ( which he promise to) but I doubt he will. Y? coz the mags always say too that when man say they call, they NEVER do.... just like the rest of the jerks i know. NVM.

So mabbe its good that im back to my past feeling-less self, Emotion-less, so that I wun be hurt?

I read the astrology ( OH MINE WAT the HECK am I doing this!) it says that May n June is the best time for Love ( since Jun 2000, no wonder I have been out of love for sooooo long) and something should blossom.

Hell, Im out of love? I have Never Been in Love.

How about this, a 25 yrs old, sexy, virgin girl available with a come-get-me look who will satisfy yr every fanstasy.

Why am i still Single? Am I really that freaking?

 
Mine oh mine has been sometimes since i input into the blog! actually not long though. been kind of tied up ( with work, after spending much time surfing net); feel myself being under-utilised doing all these mandane stuffs at work.

So on Friday, in the end, i din meet up with fhm ( anyway he sounded half hearted) and in the end I was at MU (wasting 30$ on drinks) but got hold of , offically , MM hp num heheh but till now i din have the guts to call him , though i tot it will be pretty cool to call him out for a show and be seen wid him becoz he's kinda of good looking :P and did mentioned he wasnt a chinese ? like ang mo lar, but to be precise, an ...... hahah let u guess.

Anyway since last Fri I havent heard from fhm! wonder if he is DEAD or wat .... maabe i sms him later though. see if he wanted to catch a show or wat to make up for last week.

As for van, absolutely nutthin much. no more chatting, no more emailing ( which i always initiate, so it means i dun now) after Tues (so it been 3 Days oreadi, ok we had a couple of meaningless sms on Wed). He went out wid her again on Tues nite ( Sad, i was thinkin he will be free for me).

hmmmh i havent caught Scropion King yet, let alone Spider-Man. Looks like gg to catch it again, alone. Sigh. Shd i call SMI? :>

Anyway had some steamed dumpling for lunch, and a nonya dumpling too ..... all i can say.......YUMMY.

Looks like gg to spend my Friday evening alone again. Soooo Siannnnn.

 
Friday today

gotta complete the appraisals stuffs by end of today, ARGH.

anyway, van is on leave for these two days as he went for a surgery n is on MC. nuthin much. keep sms me tat he feel sian dunno wat to do to help him anyway.

anyway im meeting up wid fhm tonite again, most prob a movie or wat. dun feel excited or wat leh how? i think he is gg to be touchy again tonite for sure. Should i stop him doing tat to stop giving him the wrong ideas? im confused again. vic is gg to MU tonite askin me if to join , sigh dun wan to waste $$$ leh rather buy that Nike shoe i fancied heheh

anyway if there is nuthin to do tomorrow evening i might as well come back to office. Just received notice to do up another project plan! argh.

So Sian.

 
just had a mornin meeting! feel good to be 'involved'. Must become workaholic again hahah enjoy it!

din go out wid Van last nite leh. shucks wasted since i put on a sexy white top. but was on phone wid him in the evening..... hmmh, he told me he has asked tat ger he fancied to be his gf and guess wat ? She kind of rejected him . Damn i was sooo happy when i hear tat hahah (Opps im remorse about my attitude). said he is gg to 'give up' on her. But actually how could he likes another ger n kiss me at the same time? Darn it! ok i know wat u all tryin to tell me..... its just Lust rite. yeah its mutual feeling.

Anyway, we chatted again last nite when i got home ard 1 pm. He is on leave todae for a surgery to extract his wisdom tooth/teeth. So i guess i wun be seein him today either..... but anyway i not very free got to check out carrefour for the PC table, plus still thinkin of getting that weaven shoe i saw in Hereeen.

Heh was at a meeting just now leh there is this ITG guy this side view looks so much like Van HAHAH i was giggling whenever i think of it ( in the meeting) :P

nuthin much for now i guess.. so zappin off.

PS bgt salad for lunch, darn scare at 2 pm i get hungry again for sure!

 

Juz finish lunch! had a light one of chee chong fun n a char siew bao yummy ( though im hiding the 'fat' on munching on a LOAF of banana walnut bread. found the nice way to eat it is to slow nibble it instead of my usual gobbling down of food heheh.

resolution #2 : STOP GOBBLING MY FOOD N START NIBBLING
(#1 being learning html)

caught fhm online just now. fixed to meet on fri evening. a bit scare though, will we get overboard?!
he was like askin me Qns about ..... Have u use a dildo before? dunno how to answer leh.
In fact the only thing i ever inserted is a tampon.

but have decided for a movie on Fri......hope things dun get overheated. i realyy wan a serious relationship but i got a feeling chances r slim between us.

or mabbe im just paranoid... All guys are, in fact ... just horny once in a while. well..... im horny too so tat makes me a Horny Virgin hahahah

Van called juz now after i kidd about seein some S&M stuffs in his locker (thks to fhm now its all in my mind) hahah ..... hmmh how come i feel more comfy toking to van on this kind of stuffs ?

Saw from Woman's world (pg 58) there is indeed some 'Essence' that prevents darkening of skin ard ....erm, femal private area n oso like the armpit......hmmmh its call Happilala! so in fact i read off from a comment off some forum there is indeed such stuffs! gonna get it ...... at Beauty Image @ wheelock. shucks, was juz there last Fri.

 
wow, this is really like start of a new work day for me. For once, i am concenrating on Work in the morning. Feels Good to feel important again. Going to buck up n impress!

 
i think i messed my own arse by assuming to do the test plans for the L proj since i tot i will be 'free' enuff to pick it up now.

A moment ago my new manager send me two emails full of attachments ( comes to like 50 printed pages) and
quoting her: Could you please help to look thru the high level assessment, the o/s estimates required will be interface from system X to platform alpha (names are masked to protect the innocent systems). I need your help to compile the estimates after the team has analysed the changes. This meeting is to discuss what is required for the interface

HA HA HA (wid tears in my eyes). So F up i can screw anyone now.

 
Just finished lunch .. yeah yeah i know im suppose to go on a fruit diet. so i wanted to drop by Hans to get a sandwich but landed up in Lau Pa Sat - ok lor had soup yong duo fu just light items.

Felt so frustrated about the new workflow / work process since the re-org. No meetings with the manager or clarification. I'm really feelin so Fed up now.

Bastards!

thinkin y Van not calling now during lunch. Heck, i din wan to tok to him anyway!

 
Tryin to get my humble blog published on sg!blog ..... my little wish.

must learn more on html publishing...
must learn more on html publishing...
must learn more on html publishing...

did i told u guys i decided to go light on food today? bgt pineapples n papayas for breakfast to start off......then my colleague came ard and pass me a home-made blueberry muffin.... hmmh not enuff blueberry but smelt of heavenly butter mmmh....... OPPS. nvm, wil still survive on fruits on for lunch, then get some sandwich / horlicks before i go for pump tonite.

MUST GO BACK TO WORK NOW! now where is my enhc listing template?

 
Damn it! its Monday ! ARGH! tsk tsk!

i put on my fav pants this mornin n GOSH it feels tight, rite fr the waist down to the thighs ..! ok, i may hv binge a little over the dull weekend ( thks to Van) but this wat i have ONLY: 1 banana muffin, 1 char siew bun, 2 deep fried drumsticks ( after feelin depressed tokin to Van), 2 JD coke or rather JD-pepsi twist, one chix veg bread on Sat; 1 mushroom mushi pastry, 1 banana CAKE, 1 deep fried spring chix complete wid fries n fried bun, 1 nonya dumpling, 1 bowl of udon wid miso soup n an egg, 1/2 a cheese cake, more coke... than i decided to go zzz.......... mabbe its friday meal too complete with a Sakae Sushi buffet ( sorrie Kris) and supper of rice n muschroomm stuffs.
PS: all bread/cakes compliment of Breadtok .... Thanks man for making bread so irresistible .... or shd i say, DAMN it man.

ARGH luckily i pull off like 5 g of saturated fat on the chixz or mabbe more, but a lot still goes into my body. mabbe becoz of the medication i am on tat makes me eat like a MAN! hahah so God pls make the food burn off n converted into breakable chemicals for muscle building just like in a Man.

tokin bout Sat, put on my new sexy white top to gym in hope of a date later tonite. Damn it as usual when u were most prepared nuthin happen. shopped around ( ar! now i remember, i had a whole packet of Marshmellows) and waited...... damn it Van no calls .... decided to go home n was waiting in stn for train when he sms e infamous 'wru' . I was not plannin of some hanki panki stuffs but just wanted to catch Scropion King wid him .... but he ARGH makes me so frustrated. keeps saying he dunno wat he wan to do blah blah even after i say something so obvious "but i miss u leh ( so i wanted to see u badly )" so i got so mad ( after 5 north-bound trains and 5 south-bound trains at Orc stn) i left for home ( thats where the drumsticks come into the pic).

anyway, had a jolly good time feastin the drumsticks, n bones to bobby (My Dog).n then u know wat ? Van called at ard 11 complaining he so sian etc etc . Im gettin sick of all this.

i hang off for a while when he went for supper but he called me back. then he went on rumbling about sex with his ex-gfs and wat kind of gf he is lookin for ( definitely not describin me as one of the type since I chiong! yeah big deal).

the more i know, the more i think he is kind of childish and lookin for love in the wrong places (coz he dun know wat he wants i think). Im quite surprise when i got so sick until i say " wan to sleep , good nite" .... think i jus wanted to get back at him or makin me depressed ( n hence the drumsticks). hahah.

anyway fhm din call or anything. Gosh, im gg to give up on guys. wat the fuckwittage he think he is anyway? tryin to screw me on the second date and good thing i din give in.

Kris comin back tis afternoon, but im gettin used to writin tis online journal oreadi.

ok, im Gettin Back to Work. Im Serious. I wan to work.
Wonder if i can get out of here by end April so tat i need not too do tat appriasal thing hahah........Fat Hope, i just realised its last week of April. Duh.

 
Howdy its me..... been kind of busy for a while in e afternoon, flirting on chat n conf call wid two of my (single) cute male colleagues hahah...... just to let out steam lar ( hope not startin another one). Hello but our initial point is to discuss WORK.

I just took enuff courage to pop the pills ( u c i went to see the doc) .... sigh hope i wun see much side effects.
btw i know y the hell im all fat and flabby feelin coz of the EPO i taken! hmmh but those r good for health so wat the heck.

still thinkin to give pump a miss later, sianz without kris around . further tomorrow is gg for 2 sessions so not tat missed out. wanted to go shoppin esp to Bods to see got new sexy tops or not, the same one tat drives fhm crazy :P.

casually emailed van leh, but he havent reply. dunno if becoz of the stupid server! ARGH!

by the way i havent say much about the search results of the fling thing. well i come across this website of this person talking about it and he was referring to "Meaningless Fling" and "Meaningful Relationship":
Quoting: ... have often said (well I said it once but you must admit 'often' sounds much more convincing) that flings are the 7-11 of relationships. A convenience store where you pop in, get what you need and then are on your merry way home. A meaningless fling is nothing more than pure lust, void of any love, respect or commitment to the individual.
http://www.comedyzine.com/gregg36.html

kinda make sense huh... :P watta lame excuse to have a fling.

 
Power of having Internet at Office ... its acts as an Auntie Agony.
So i was at google.com search for having a fling .... heheh wan to know wats is its definition (nerd)....
come across this test, did it and the results are:

http://www.iamnext.com/quiz/love.html

Personal Sex and Love Quiz

Your Score: 17
10-17 points:
SEXUAL / RELATIONSHIP PHILOSOPHY: RESPECT EACH OTHER
You are confident in yourself, self-controlled and able to live by your moral standards even when your sex drive tells you otherwise. You are not sexually dead… just controlled. You respect yourself first. Your self-worth is found in your character, accomplishments, person and moral beliefs.

You don't rely on the current cultural pressures to determine your views on sexuality and relationships. Your sexual philosophy is based on a foundation of intimacy, trust and mutual respect. You watch other people's relationships and make strong decisions based on what you see. You learn from both the good and poor examples you've seen in your life. This may make it easier for you to look down on others who have different views than yours. Are you trying to understand where they're coming from?

You are a good candidate for a long-lasting, healthy relationship - if you're not already in one.


Quite True. I like this: I admit i hv a HIGH sex drive but im controlled.

HAHAHAH

 
shucks i still adjustin the time setting hope to get it rite this time......

im messin up my life...... its either i am dateless for my whole life ( no , not bf.... neither van or fhm can be considered one, n I am BF-less for my whole life) or i have two flings within one week. this drivin me crazy.

van din called, or sms or anything ... mabbe he too pre-occupied with his m1. sigh .. now u know why i titled this blog .... Lost Emotions. im losin him.

actually im a bit scare of gg out with fhm again, he's too HOT n he seems to be hit on SEX only. im a bit scare he will push for it... im not interested to have it wid him.... i dun know him well enuff.... who knows he might have 101 gfs rite ? he onli tok about gg to my office / home to do it and never says 'his place' - of which he lives alone .... so wat is he afraid of ?

or am i too conservative or wat ? but i still wish to reserve it for someone whom really LOVES me. u just gonna say the L word to make me give in (except Van ? :P) ..... else, i suggest u go find a pro to f''k. Or i can get u a bitch. either way , im out.

HAHAHAH so mean huh.

 

Wow i managed to wash my face, take out my contact lenses, settled for an hr of exciting Alien vs Predator 2 game play before plugging myself off to sleep.....

Is it like as when u get older ( n pple start takin it u r an old-bird, etc WHICH I AM NOT), courtship d.n.e anymore and pple just jumped into sex, or get physcially closed in the first few dates ? Is this normal ??
Flashback : Gosh i never had a decent courtship in my dating history !!!

hmmh, u see, i really did something CRAZY last nite wid fhm. i think he got all of it planned ... he was like putting his hand behind my back when he hv the chance ( yeah i din know i have a sexy BACK), then we went to the old bowling alley for a chat before we headed back to the mrt stn .... this is where he planned it ... the route to the the stn was through the park along a dark Dark deserted path.... n guess wat, he starts to " u pretty warm now huh" and his hands were on my butts n back ... well..... we had a tight hug under the shadows of the trees ( no moon last nite).... so tight gosh, i hv to break free.... we walked a while again n start to dirty look at each other ....

so we end up french kissin n hands on each other.... Gosh, darn it was so HOT... but i dun hv tat kind of feelings....the special tingle etc u know. fhm is not bad lookin by the way, n he got a nice hard bod. i could have f'''k him on the spot ( the place is real deserted) if not tat i AM still a V. :P

its so farnie..... i mean fhm ( n van) never said anythin like I love U , or we were holdin' hands first but then next moment, next date, we are kissing and hands over each other.

I dun know wats is it .... anyone care to enlighten me ? Is it just a fling n its common ? or is it my fault ? R they seein me as a slut and seducing them ? IM CONFUSED.

 
i just send a short email to van askin how he was.....looks like he was pretty pissed off by someone in this office.... hmmh...

anyway im off to meet fhm. shit i still feel flabby and FAT.

 
i know why i am so depressed today, not able to focus, concentrate at work.
Van din called .... i mean he used to call me during lunch time..without fail.

but i din get his calls anymore. i think he is just trying to make his stance, that its over.

SIGH. i still cant let go. i have to. Mabbe i shd do something CRAZY tonite juz to forget the pain for a while.

I wanna cry.

 
I think im gg crazy..... y'day entries title was "Happy" today it is "Sad Day"; i thikn im taking my mood to a roller coaster ride. Tats bad.


sigh, i feel soo flabby and bloated today! Argh.

Actually i feel better lor, after seeing Van y'day... I have some of my doubts answered ( myself) ...

Its important to let u know, that I have GIVEN VAN MY FIRST KISS, AND TAT IS DATED 11 APRIL 2002.

i tot of givin my viginity to him too, but blah. hahah. i go find myself a virgin to give to.

 
well, back in office and i din bother to work the whole bloody morning. So i am late again for work but who heck care? i guess even if i MIA the whole day NO ONE KNOWS!

anyway, back to my dinner with van last nite.... i guess i can see wats gg to be for the both of us. We were just out like casual frens and he keeps mentioning this ger he likes... and they have been out a few times last week. Fine! tats it.

btw, on way back, i asked him if He Really Likes Her... i was so overwhelmed ( by emotions) he din answer but just look at me , and keep asking me y i asked. Gosh Any Bloke Head will know why I ask that stupid , obvious Question!

I dunno, if he is really acting ignorance or wat. Anyway i was pretty sad and was almost choked with tears (inside me) i couldnt think of a sensible answer. Damn it i should just say WELL IM CONCERN AND IM CONFUSED SO WAT ON EARTH DO U TAKE ME AS?

as far, i said i aint wan to give myself false hopes anymore, so TATS it. He still a fren and I will treate watever happen as merely a FLING. hey tats was wat i tot of in the first place too.
But somehow i was always praying something more can happen... Guess it wun again.