ok, about time to leave but i tot mabbe i upd today's blog. well send a mischievous sms to Wil last nite and he sms back heheh we sms for a while, well askin each other questions... mainly bout his age etc. Funnie how it feels, coz in absolute difference, 7 yrs seems to be a large gap, but then being 32 he is in his prime, and hence can be considered, young. Well anyway, he kinda asked if I had a bf etc heheh n we ended wid him badeing me 'good nite baby' hahah looks like im scoring...

But in fact, if I have not make an investigation on him I tot he is like 28 or 29, coz he really dun look as Old as he sounded like.
Yeah, of coz i make an investigation on his age, where he stays and if he is married etc heheheh. I prefer u calling me resourceful and careful.

well, can u believe it i chatted with Milo for 4 hrs today ( at work ! duh) he is really such a nice, honest, lovable guy ( n as notty as I do). i really get to know him soo much, and we click! Sigh, y cant such a person appear in my real life? I told him about me thinkin of gg Aus to work/study n he gladly willin to sponsor me hahah....... and he tot of a change of environment (esp now he has not strings attached) .. means comin to Singapore to work?

This is insatiable....... There's a racing in my heart ... (but) I am barely touching you
We never sleep there's just so much to do
Too much to say
Can't close my eyes when I'm with you
Insatiable the way I'm loving you

But i know its as good as not possible between us......... and even as we have soo much to say or soo much similarities between us its not possible, unless one of us give up wat we have now and move over. Will I ? well .. my heart is willing but my flesh is weak... The future so uncertain... and Im a person full of uncertainty. I have never been in love ( mutual i mean), I dun know if I am one who can be satisfy by having one and only one,

Im on fire, Im rotting to the core
Im eating all your Kings and Queens
All the Sex and Diamonds...

 
I saw fhm online again, for a very brief moment before he got off. And wat did i do?
i am not gg to make the same mistake Twice of coz.
I din do anything, though my heart is aching and my hands were shaking.

Not too sure if poor Wil really had a bad case of tendon pull, coz he seems to be absent fr work today! hmmh. anyway see how.

Downloaded David Usher : Black Black Heart. Though its kinda farnie wid the opera thing, but i love his sexy voice ( n he look kinda sexy too) n the sexy lyrics...esp this :
Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds

 
i juz login to icq n fhm was online... after waitin for a few mins, i decided to msg him wid a simple hello.... n.. he jz log off! i really dunnno wat to do, wat i hv done wrong?!!! if he is not interested anymore why cant he juz tell me so tat i am not holdin on anymore?! im sick of myself.

 
Aye Aye. lets see, its been 10 days since i entered this blog. well juz tat nuthin new or excitin been comin into my life i suppose. Well lets flash back on the last 10 days on some stuffs...

One, fhm did call but i miss his phone anyway. he juz said he sort of missed me and call me to chat n take cares n hugz when i sms him the subsequent day... ok tis wat he wrote: Ya i sort of miss u so i call...Anyway hope u r fine...Chat wid ya again take care!Hugz" 22-May-2002, 16:40:38.

Two, Wil from the same Co, asked me out! cant believe it huh heheh oh BUT damn him fly my aeroplane on Sat sayin he got a strained tendon n hv to meet another day! Im Mad! for doing tis to me.... should i punish him?!

Three.. well its about Milo. The + + feelings bout him. Very nice fellow, too bad we live like miles apart. Oh boy im expected his package this few days! he is sending me a postcard + a disc full of Maps n mods ! Glee {{HugSS}} he is the best. N we share so much in similarity.... soo bad,,, he is just too far... i cant bear the distance....

Four, this is a saddest news. my dear beloved Kris found her way outta tis shitty place.... she is leaving for Good. On one hand im sooo happy for her, but the other, i know im gg to miss her big time.

Five. Was so boored on Fri nite =(, so lonely in office until like 10 pm. so one is there for me, or perhaps i must say, Milo was there chattin wid me at least. I guess I wun meet another such understand guy in tis lifetime .... i wonder if both of us will ever ever meet. He told me it will onli be early next yr that he will have e next trip... to US to attend a wedding. oh, he is visiting HK coming June! hrm, i read the china airline crash y'day. I sincerely pray to God to let him have a safe trip.

aye aye.. too bad, his frens r gg to Bangkok after HK but he is not joinin! well coz if he is then i would love soo much to meet him there. Sob.

May is almost ending. ITs another concluding month that I, am, still, Single.

Regrets.

 
For the past weeks i have been feelin like Puddle of Mudd-- Blurry, and couldnt stop listening to tat song either.
Im tired of guessing, if fhm does not wan to see me anymore, tats it too. i wun be bothered. I hate myself, im becoming softer, like a typical women. In fact, i got so mad, i send something to by best fren Kris when she starts to take blames for things tat went wringy:

the problem about women, is tat watever shit they came across , they think its their fault, then feel bad n guilty about it, n mull about it. never get over it.

the thing about men, which is one thing i learn, is that watever shit they come across , they will find someone to push the blame to, and hence they never feel bad about it. they just move on their life. i hope u learn something now.

I must remember this! Its not my fault, its his lost. Im gg to heck care now, n moves on with life. Alone or watever, i think it will be great.

 
finally i got my internet connections up ... downloaded a few DM maps for Unreal Tournament ... sooo coool.

oh yeah, i managed to talk to fhm on Thurs... i finally decided to call him to see wats he is up to. im so ashame of myself. Well, it seems like he is helping out his parents, helping his dad out (who is having some problems) whenever he has the time, and hence explain why he suddenly disappears from icq and my life :( ... we onli have a 2 minutes talk mainly because Kris was next to me when he called. He sounds sooo stressed i wonder if i should call him just to ask how he is.

for the whole weekend i was thinkin about fhm .. call him .. dun call him .. call him ... etc. sigh, wonder if he find it irriating if i call him up . anyway, we see how it goes. he says he will be very very very very busy during May. I hope I can see him soon, n be ard him when he needs comfort .. sigh.

ok, im posting at home so better dun take too much time .... tok again tomolo....

 
I bgt the book last nite at mph ( for 17$ bucks!) on Men r from Mars, Women r from Venus - the modern classic guide version to help myself understand why men and women behave differently. What caught my eyes the first time i browsed through the book was that in a chapter it mentioned men r like rubber band; inevitably they do need to go away into their own cave for a while to do things they want to do, and women, should... for god sake leave them alone for tat period. It promise the man will 'spring' back like a pulled rubber band in no time hunger for you n expect to continue the intimacy previously shared....

So i was thinking, yeah mabbe that is wat fhm is doing..... but its just feel farnie. I cant help but suspect he have probably met someone, better and is seeing her. Thus avoiding me or treating me like a not-more-than-casual accquaintance n try to ignore the intimacy we had.
He used to be like coming online even twice a day just to chat wid me, but now NOT ANYMORE at all. How can I help not feeling something has changed? actually he was online early last morning, but he din even msg me to say hello...... tell me wat u think ????? I really hate to mis-interpret him but I dun wan to feel sad all over this anymore!

Although last nite i convinced myself to give him some more time, this morning, im feeling like Puddle of Mudd again -- in their song Blurry.

I really should not devote ANY feelings to him till he returns to me for reassurance? or should i pursue in hope of not losing him ? i dunno. Mabbe the book will say how, but i havent been reading it anyway.

So u might asked, wat the hell happen to the Van ? Well, as from day 1 I know it will never work out. so somehow i have successfully distracted myself from him ( by using fhm? mabbe). I guess the infatuation period is over and I no longer thinking much of the possibility between us, though now im a bit pissed I let him touched me tat way. I feel cheap and a slut. and I let fhm did tat too me. now i feel im cheapest in anyway.

Im Cheap. BUT DAMN IT I HAVE MY PHYSICAL NEEDS TOO which have been in suppression for the past 25 yrs!!! DAMN IT!

anyway, thinking of a short trip away end of May ( 27 is a PH) ...... considering the two waterfalls but afraid of the 'slippery rocks' n stuffs hahah i wonder if it is really as 'dangerous' as they sound it :P... anyway dunno where to go or prob stuck in Singapore? mabbe not a bad idea after all can stay home n play my games. prob high time to fix my internet connection too so tat i can start d/l the patches and update my drivers!

btw, dun u think men r sooo selfish? they go away without saying a word, and when they return, they expect u to be there to provide watever ranty sex u have previously with him without explanation and considering how hard the woman has been through debating if Why He Changed? Damn it! These jack-arse Dumb-witted men who do they think they are?

 
Yeah Rite, so it has been approximately ........3 hrs since my last blog and No Suprises! He did not Call! Rite. My heart felt derailed, my eyes no longer able to look into the eyes of strangers. I felt so beaten, and its a feeling of All hopes gone. I no longer wanted to feel Hope again, coz it brings me nuthin but disappointment.

 
Sometimes i feel like losing all my feelings so that i wun feel sad or down when the person u care about never response. But then wat life is to then if one live without feelings? its like a living corpse, or would life actually be more peaceful? just like a monk or a nun?

It hurts me when i decided to pay more attention to him instead, but it seems like im getting the 'cold calls'. I dun understand, one moment he is Hot, the other moment, or rather, Now, he is cold. Opps did he found out i ditched him to go to chiong on tat Friday??? hahah of coz not. But i dn even pester him or anything day and night .... giving his own breathing space as before.. or is it becoz of this he dun feel my feelings towards him ?

Anyway, i dun have the courage to call him again. So till he call me ( which he promise to) but I doubt he will. Y? coz the mags always say too that when man say they call, they NEVER do.... just like the rest of the jerks i know. NVM.

So mabbe its good that im back to my past feeling-less self, Emotion-less, so that I wun be hurt?

I read the astrology ( OH MINE WAT the HECK am I doing this!) it says that May n June is the best time for Love ( since Jun 2000, no wonder I have been out of love for sooooo long) and something should blossom.

Hell, Im out of love? I have Never Been in Love.

How about this, a 25 yrs old, sexy, virgin girl available with a come-get-me look who will satisfy yr every fanstasy.

Why am i still Single? Am I really that freaking?

 
Mine oh mine has been sometimes since i input into the blog! actually not long though. been kind of tied up ( with work, after spending much time surfing net); feel myself being under-utilised doing all these mandane stuffs at work.

So on Friday, in the end, i din meet up with fhm ( anyway he sounded half hearted) and in the end I was at MU (wasting 30$ on drinks) but got hold of , offically , MM hp num heheh but till now i din have the guts to call him , though i tot it will be pretty cool to call him out for a show and be seen wid him becoz he's kinda of good looking :P and did mentioned he wasnt a chinese ? like ang mo lar, but to be precise, an ...... hahah let u guess.

Anyway since last Fri I havent heard from fhm! wonder if he is DEAD or wat .... maabe i sms him later though. see if he wanted to catch a show or wat to make up for last week.

As for van, absolutely nutthin much. no more chatting, no more emailing ( which i always initiate, so it means i dun now) after Tues (so it been 3 Days oreadi, ok we had a couple of meaningless sms on Wed). He went out wid her again on Tues nite ( Sad, i was thinkin he will be free for me).

hmmmh i havent caught Scropion King yet, let alone Spider-Man. Looks like gg to catch it again, alone. Sigh. Shd i call SMI? :>

Anyway had some steamed dumpling for lunch, and a nonya dumpling too ..... all i can say.......YUMMY.

Looks like gg to spend my Friday evening alone again. Soooo Siannnnn.