I hope this is the last time Im am updating this, no , Im sure it will be the last.
En just send me a msg for meet up - Told him that I am not seeing him again.

The End.

 
Room 220

So i did meet up with En during lunch today. There was no special moments and the first round, he came on very strong and cummed within minutes. I cant blame him, it must be the anticipation and I was very eager and slutty. As he entered the room i turned him round and we frenched for a short while, took off our clothes, more kissing, and a bit good old sucking - he was getting hard. I like it when he want me to lie back with my legs spread , as he put on the cap, and insert his manhood into me. It was all pain - only after a while did I ease off, but before I can enjoy the sex he cummed.


As I relished his touch, my body is overcome with pain, both physcially and within.
I am not sure if I am afraid to lose him, and I know I should not even think of it this way. Somehow , I feel the excitement has waned off from him, as it was tough to arouse him second round . Strangely, he tried to doggy me without a cap - understand what is heck-care now.

Last as he fucked me from behind, it feels good again, and it ripples through my body .


But I got my cuddles and good bye kisses, he was rather tender to me. However, I was feeling so upset when we have to go, that it was showing so clearly on my face - probably it was the fear of there will not be a next time - somehow the 'freshness' just seems not there anymore, for him.


As we ended our session, strangely he decided not to hv lunch together and drop me off alone. I just wanted more time with him though, I think. No maybe not, I have no idea what I really really want, from him.

I should just enjoy the good times, while it last. and Good times usually dun last :(

 
It has been a while, in fact, I am almost counting, everyday, for 3 months how long I have not been entering the blogs. A lot of thoughts, mainly negative have been accumulated since, April, on my life. Perhaps, as I put it to a friend, that it is the middle of the year and nevertheless a reflection time of how one have fared, and I have fared terribly. I guess the only consolation is that I have a place now, I can call my own. That is really something so unexpected , so unplanned that happened.

What I want is not right, and whats right is always not easy.

For these 3 months, I have been weighed down a lot by these negative attitude towards my relationship with En. I hestiated as I put down the words "relationship" - Is there any per se?

I found myself denying myself as I put on a front of being 'correct'. It is correct to end this relationship, but is this what I want ? Ever since I decided to let go , I was never happy. I know he will be someone I can never have for good, but to choose not to be with him is not possible. My heart collapsed and that kind of feeling when I saw him - and that I will not be seeing him any more, is torturing.

He send me a message asking me how I was doing - 2 days after he returned from work, but no question his objective is to get me out - but I was still trying - to deny him, and myself , and so were on Saturday night when he send me a "Miss u " message.

Last Thurs, I almost run into him in T2 lobby, and I pretend to look away - and I feel really overwhelmed. I know I failed, completely flopped the temptation. I just got to see him again.

I dunno if I am going to go through the emotional roller coaster again . I think I will, and it will be worst when he decided to call it a day. But at least then, I do not have a choice. It is not within my control, and perhaps, it is easier to let go then, hopefully.

Im seeing him tomorrow. Im totally gone.

 
It has been quite a week, I must say. Actually put off meeting En on 9 May. Felt so terrible bout it, I need it, it being .. I do not exactly know what it is.
I have been through a very indecisive week thinkin about what to do with him.

I feel the pressure for getting it all right, and it is overwhelming. Is there really nothing else I can do about, but just to do what I can - wait ?

found out some time back that he will be going on a SUPER long leave of 1 month. If i do not see him for the early next two days ( then its the menses) , I will not see him for 3 months , which will have jolly well end the relationship - or perhaps this is it ? The pivotal point of what will happen?

Have also been very BIG mouth and sort of told Rogz about what is going on - I think im crazy to tell him - how much can i trust him really ? I felt like a complete idiot now. Still havent decide what to do next , I really need him and should I call him tomorrow ?

 
I must be really lost on what to do, since I took a Tarot reading today on www.ivenus.com:

The Significator - Two of Swords

General meaning
You may also feel you have reached an impasse and not know which way you should go. You are torn by indecision; you are unsure whether or not you are ready to face certain issues that need to be faced.

Relationship meaning
Suggests that you are uncertain about a relationship or relationship situation and do not know how to deal with it. It can also indicate that there is no love in your relationship, yet you fear facing up to the problems within this situation.

Negative meaning
There is no point procrastinating; you know that certain issues need to be sorted out so that you can move forward.

This explains exactly what I am now, at a crossroad to decide, not what is right or wrong, but unsure which one to choose.

The Covering Card - Nine of Wands
General meaning
The Nine of Wands suggests that now is a time to hold back or wait to consider and balance up the odds. You need to be careful as you proceed forward; it's time to think carefully before making your next move.

Relationship meaning
The Nine of Wands in a relationship spread suggests that this relationship has come up against some difficulties. However, these difficulties can be overcome if both partners are prepared to make a joint effort.

Negative meaning
You are very frightened of things happening beyond your control; or that you will not adapt to changing circumstances.

Maybe, indeed I should not make the first move.

The Base Card - King of Pentacles

General meaning
This card represents an individual who combines knowledge and practicality to achieve his objectives. He is a builder and manager, a person who has achieved success through practical effort. The King is intelligent and enjoys earning money.

Relationship meaning
Relationship meaning The King of Pentacles can be kind and generous. He looks to his relationship for the warmth and fulfilment that is lacking in his daily business life. He is practical and cautious with money, generous with his time and advice, which will be well founded and good to follow.

Negative meaning
The King reversed suggests someone who may take risks with money without weighing up the consequences or who tends to be inconsistent in his approach to dealing with money and may be dishonest.

The Crown

General meaning
This card augurs a time of financial troubles, poverty and loneliness. It can indicate the loss of a job, or loss of money, which may or may not have serious consequences. It can also indicate loneliness in a relationship.

Relationship meaning
Relationship meaning This card suggests a relationship that is bound or restricted by financial problems. In the reversed position, it can indicate that you are overcoming financial problems, and beginning to make new plans for the future. A new job makes your financial situation more secure .

Negative meaning
Indicates the beginning of a period of bad luck where money is concerned, but this time of bad luck could be a turning point, when all aspects of your life begin to improve.

The Past Influence - Eight of Cups
General meaning
You may feel like abandoning a relationship, or taking a complete change of direction in your career. You feel that you are not on the right path and there is no point in trying to continue in that direction. It's time to choose a new direction.

Relationship meaning
You may have unrealistic expectations of your partner or relationship, perhaps a sense of fantasy or illusion. It may be that this relationship exists entirely in the mind and imagination.

Negative meaning
There is a loss of direction and you have no sense of which path to take next. You are reluctant to leave a situation or relationship, even though you know that there is nothing left there for you.

The Challenge/ Obstacle - Queen of Swords
General meaning
The Queen of Swords represents a woman who is rational and logical with a well-functioning mind. This person has definite ideas as to how thing should be done; she is shrewd and mentally agile. She has a careful approach to relationships and will be attracted by mental agility rather than looks.

Relationship meaning
In a relationship, this Queen is a mentally strong partner and seeks out her partners not for love or looks, but for the own mental agility. She will not suffer fools gladly. This woman has the ability to hide the emotional side of her nature - often to the point of showing no emotion to any situation.

Negative meaning
She likes to stir up trouble and tends to be cold-hearted, shrewd and very manipulative. However, you are not always likely to suspect this person of causing trouble.

Hopes & fears - Death
General meaning
Represents the end of an era or phase in your life. It DOES NOT indicate physical death. It is time to mourn your losses, be happy with your memories, and allow yourself to move forward in peace. Change is often a blessing in disguise.

Relationship meaning
In a relationship reading the Death card indicates the end of an element of a relationship. If it represents the final end of a relationship, remember the good times, but let go and look forward with optimism.

Negative meaning
The negative aspect warns that to resist change will bring stagnation. In some cases it can suggest the inability to let go and move on to develop a new relationship.

Summation / Outcome - The sun
General meaning
The card of the Sun represents energy, enthusiasm, taking care of the inner child and allowing spontaneity and openness to be an integral part of your life.

Relationship meaning
In a relationship layout, the Sun depicts a spontaneous loving relationship that has balance, harmony and the potential for a successful future. There is a general feeling of trust and openness that is reciprocal.

Negative meaning
Optimism is offered with this card, but there are doubts and a fear of being so optimistic, probably based on the experience of past failures. You may have a tendency not to take happiness at face value.

 
Its an Earth shaking day today. I finally got to deal with the kind of dying-to-yet-I-aint-want-to-be-there situation. I ran into En and his partner, at Orchard today. It was a split second coincidence. I would have miss him by far, but then, it just happened.

I cant exactly put forth how I feel, and I still can feel it now. I was totally stunned and very confused. She is definitely gorgeous and pretty, and they definitely wun seems to have issues together for 'that' matter. Im confused, but I guess I dun have to hide that fact, that he is a complete arsehole.

Is this exactly what has been arranged for me, sort of for me to move on or something? An affirmation give to me - to let go completely, or is it that my emotions have been trival and I should have least be bothered about it and continue the way things are ?

I have no one to turn to, what can I do ? I feel like a maroon. Will I really able to forgo the pleasure and let him go ? Afterall, now that I cannot justified why am I doing all this for.

 
StarIQ reading today: You may have a minor epiphany today as you realize something about yourself that you never quite put together. If you remain open to change, this can be the start of a whole new emotional growth spurt for you. The dilemma that can prevent you from making the most of this “aha” experience is that you want something that you just cannot yet have. Let it go and it may eventually come to you.

Oh well, more than one month has lapsed since I have been with En. Been on block leave and now the 'unavailable' week. However, as I saw through the last ep of SATC2 last night, I cant help but cry soo much. Maybe I just had wanted a chance to really cry it out, but holding back all the time. My heart goes out to Carrie, it seems like she is someone Big just wanted to have but not bring out, not for serious. Just like my relationship with En.

It has come to a point of time, that, I am trying to justified to myself why I am doing this. In fact, perhaps this is a good time to get used to life before knowing him. Well, am I, like Carrie, just addicted to the pain of able to be with someone so unattainable? Should I, just let it go ? afterall, everytime after we have 'it', I have to go through this whole emotional rollercoaster struggle and terrible mood swings, all by myself.

Its very true that I never quite able to put this together. On one hand, I enjoyed the physical pleasure, but the emotional burden and the guilt feeling on me is just too great. Maybe, indeed I should let it go, and the real thing that I wanted, will eventually come to me, or will it? and will I actually feel free after that ?

 
So En finally called, on Thursday near to lunch time, and we went out for some 'servicing'. This time around, sex is a bit of different, a bit more of tender moments (although much of the ranchiness remains), when he cummed and he rested on and hugged me from behind, it feels good, definitely; and when I stroke his face lightly, he turned towards me; When he pumped me, it does not feel as technical as before.

I feel sated, and it makes me just yearn for him, more.

I hope Im not on my way to self-destruction.

 

Aquarius - Thursday March 20th 2003
You will have a bit of a boost to your physical energy and well-being today, which you are going to need because you are beating yourself up with the "should have" stick over something minor. You really don't need to do that, you know. You may just have to learn to love and live with yourself.

Indeed, I really just have to learn to love and live with myself. I may have been in too deep, not for the sex, but for his presence. Perhaps its was the expectation of him calling this week, that send me fidgeting all day and night. Its that chronic thoughts that he is with some one new and better and has long forsake me.

And when I have gone through the pain and finally convince myself that he is Never going to call, he will.

I hate this; Good thing I had a few games of UT2k3 to take away my frustrations, and looking forward to tonight's combat as well...

 
Just came back from a POWER lunch.

After a week of crazy thoughts I was finally distracted by something else - planning the trip to Bangkok, so when I thought he will be calling only, once a month, and about to put him right at the back of my mind. I got his sms last night asking me "How its going?" What the ... How wat? the sex, the vagina, the sucking, WAT? "work, etc" he answered. Ok, Work sucks as usual, and coming really straight to the point, I replied " Otherwise there is only one thing on my mind all the time". (sex, DUH!).

Arranged to meet lunch today. Wondering if we should shag now or shag later? Drove the same place and paid $20 bucks for a 2 hrs room.

Once in the room, lust devour us as it has not been fed. We took off our clothes, and start kissing. A bit of caressing and he was getting hard. I guess it was the cheap kick of a quickie, and the promise of a hedonistic time. While he stood up, I slid up and suck his cock while im all fours on the bed. Man, his cock certainly look kinda larger today and I almost gag on it.

Not wasting any time, he lied me down and slid his cock into me, but i was still kinda tense. A bit more kissing, and i'm all relax and ready to rock. This time, he pulled me up and we hugged close, while still on it. Crazily, he manourved me, with my back against the the wall and fuck me right there, standing up.
It was definitely getting hotter. a bit more and we were doing the doggie. It was real good this time round. Finally, he wanted me to pump him from above, and he cum shortly. The whole fucking affair is done is about 20 minutes !! A bit of lying down, dress up and we went off for lunch consisting of Turtle Soup (yummy, althru I still think it looks disguisting).

Comin back into the office now, a bit of dizzy and certainly, depressed with all the excitement suddenly cool down and not having sex for the next week or so.
Got to get back to work! ARGHHHH!

 

Horoscope reading for 4 Feb 2003:
You may find yourself acting a bit more "randy" or amorous than usual today. Your desires will be more primal than romantic. A sudden attraction could lead you into intriguing possibilities. Play safe, especially if you are not eager to add a new branch to your family tree.

Cant believe how true it is ?

I have sex today. YES, u read it rite! I have sex today! With En! So here u go, I am not a virgin anymore, sorry world. But then, is oral sex , ¡¥sex¡¦? if so, then im not one so long time back, heheh


So now, my greatest fear is confirmed, it will become insatiable, Im totally hook on SEX!

So how does it goes? Took the afternoon off to meet up wid En, and we were at Joo Chiat ( aka, Geylang) having lunch , so conveniently, a couple of turns away is that Fragrance Hotel yeah, so we went in ( I have to do the f**kin registration, and of coz, he paid) and here we go.


Frankly I can tell he was as nervous as I am, really. Once in the room, man, im totally lost (not really nervous) and not sure what to do. As I lied on the bed still clothed, he came on top on me and we started kissin, caressing and he took off my clothes¡K I just the way he took them off, rough, eager and makin me so hot.

¡§Time to repay¡¨, he said, and he starts to suck on my nipples. It was a mixed feelin of wants and doubts, I was still doubting if I really want this, but then, there was really no turning back.realyy.

We proceed to the shower and wash up a bit, joker, he actually wanted to lick me in the bath tub
(cmon, its too cramp for two huge size adults). He got out first, and I locked myself in the bathroom, took a pee try to convince myself I was forced into doing it (yeah rite), put on a towel and got out and he was lyin there watchin TV. Basic Instinct, I crawl up to him like a kitten ( opps towel drop, tats uncool) and I got on top of him and rub his cock against my cunt, while he squeeze my tits and we kissed erotically. It goes on for a while before I went down to suck his cock , it¡¦s a hard job this time, coz I got distracted. Its really not possible to stay focus as we are both naked and excited bout each other new found bodies, I think, at least for him :P. He turned me over and pushed a pillow under my head, sit on my chest and im giving him such an erotica blowjob in that position!

After some suckin and lusty looks, he asked if I wanted to be licked, but ignoring my protest, he made me lie on the bed and before I knew it, he is down there, lickin me, his tongue flickering over my clitoris, and he finger fucked me so rough and I was nothin but completely give in to him ¡K Oh Mine, all those previous denial went into smoke immediately¡K I cant exactly explain how good it is , but it certainly got me all wet as I hear him slurpin n lickin so hard, and as he fingered me at the same time. This could hv gone on forever, but his cock still need some ¡¥work¡¦ and he wanted a 69! Of coz he got his way, its was crazy, and I was totally out of control; He grab my hair and starts to push his cock deep inside me¡K Soon, it gets a bit hard ( think he couldn¡¦t wait anymore), and he put on the condom and ordered ( oh I like that) to lie on my bed, as he grab my butts and pull me in, and plunged into me¡K

The feeling of having sex is, unbelievable (sorry, till I find a better word). I was actually quite enjoyin it, unlike tat other time when all I feel is pain. It goes on for quite a bit, and he wanted me to turn over, U got it, we did it doggy style, which is darn good ( would hv been better if it is bigger, longer , ok sorrie, tat hurts him huh, but he wun be readin this anyway). Goes on for a while, and soon he cummed, and I collapsed in a heap of complete ecstasy.

But what really happened next is really anti climax; was expectin a bit of cuddling, but I think all those afternoon heat and then the cold room was not doing him good , or mabbe is the stress, and he was not really feelin well. Or perhaps he was really tired, as he mentioned that I should get a young stud to satisfy me, one who can go on forever¡K but then I was quite pleased with how the whole thing work out though, he was what I wanted all these time and now I have it.

We chatted for a while, I asked about why he is doing this, and he replied he wanted a change. He was only married for about a year though. After a while, he asked me if he wanted a second round (of coz!) but he look real tired though and I feel bad if I said yes. But he was already masturbating himself, and soon, I was sucking his cock again, this time round less frenzy, as I focus totally on his manhood, and he was just caressing my body. This time round, it get hard fast. I grabbed a condom and he opened the miracle package.

I can¡¦t wait, as soon as he put it on, I climbed on top of him wanting to ride him like those I hv seen:P . Its not easy though! I was a bit lost, but I abso-fucking-utely like him pumping me in that position. He grabbed me and put me down on the bed, as I anticipate his next move, he shoved his cock into me, its was soo good, I arched my back and pushed myself nearer to him, and wrapped my legs behind him and pushed him nearer. I thought I moaned so loud the whole hotel would hear me ;)

I love my legs over his shoulders as he pumped hard inside me. Soon he cummed, I pulled him close and embraced him, and told him to leave his cock inside me for a while more, as I devour every drop of the pleasure.

Wish I could hv licked up his cummed cover cock ! I think he would hv cried!

----
One week has past, and the scenes were flashing in my mind everyday. I just cant take my mind of him, and the pleasure I had, the hedonistic moments, and cant wait for the next rendezvous. I hope he called soon though ļ.

 
2 updates in a month...tats a bit too much ? or not? heheh.

Its been a bad week since the last blog entry. A suspicious, unidentified swelling occurs on my left foot for no apparent reason, and it hurts like hell! Have actually to stayed home for 4 days ( inclusive of the Sunday) before I can return to work. Went through a couple of check ups, the reasons should be out by next week. I pray hard its not gout and that I have to sustained from alcohol!! I shall die without that toxic, ya!!

I hv to entry a blog today man, im still trembling from the decision I have made. Its crazy yet its been on my mind for sooooo long and now, i have decided to do it, once and for all:

En sms-ed me around 7:30 am a Good Morning but I couldnt care less to reply ( well was gg to shower n gg to work). Unexpectedly, he sms-ed me again around 10am asking if y im so quiet and if Im ok. Well, just casually told him I slept late blah blah stuffs, and told him I got another drinkin session tonite, and guess what ? he wanted to come along ?!?! OH coz cannot lar, given our illicit affair, how am I gg to explain to my frens who is he ?

Refused him nicely though. He replied he just wan to go out party, and my ankle seems bad so he din want to bother me last week; then he said " Let's hang out next week. maybe take an afternoon off!"

Well, true enough, i was scheming a way for him to ask me out next week anyway. So , this is god-sent. Ok, im sorrie, thats not really an appropriate word though.
Anyway, said yes! and so its fixed, to keep "Next Tuesday afternoon free".

OMG, I really dunno what will happen. In fact, as I am writing and thinking about this, my hands are feeling so cold! I hope he will not be building any expectatations and etc , as I dun want to fail him again though. So we shall see wat happened next week...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF! Ok, its a bit late though, but then had a fab nite with my charmed sisters yday , at Fish & Co, and then to ChinaBlack for drinks! Free Entry and 6 free drinks !! and the drinks the bar chicks made are so POTENT! I was beaming with bliss ! heheh anyway, it was rather enjoyable, and the three of us have a jolly good time, :D

Oh well, im lookin fwd ( ok, shouldnt build expectations either) to celebrating Eug Bday this Sat with the gang. okie bloogie, I know it havent been fair to u .. "Argh, What another new guy ??!!" Expecting some sizzling actions though from the bday boy, or if Rog is gg...hmmh, still remember the bday hug he gave :P~ ... ok ok, no building of expectations huh.

Meanwhile have a Prosperous Chinese New Yr to all reading this !!

Adios.

 
Hi I'm back, hungry for more updates on my hook ups ? awww, im sorrie to disappointed u though. It was a mix of disappointment yet with a sigh of relieve for me. It is a strange kind of feeling, hard to explain.

Managed to sms a bit, and with a bit of word twisting, he was asking me if i wan to come out for a drink. but soon, he was asking if I just want a drink , or ... ! Wat are u thinking, u fools out there, of coz he wanted SEX! I hestiated, partly due to my worsening enzema condition, and my experience of having sex ( i cant say im a virgin anymore, can i ? or cannot i ?? im confused once again).

It did not work out in the end. I sorta call of the whole thing ( what can I do ?). Its so tough having to be put down quietly when your hormones are all charged up. But then, it would have been an adultery affair if I have agreed, or mabbe an adultry on a more serious level heheh.

Dun think he will ever hook me up again. Its hard being rejected 4 times, rite!

Anyway, I seek the comfort of my girlfriend, who was too self-absorbed shopping, and probably a good thing after all, so that I can lessen the ordeal though.

Need a drink, and need it badly.